Kounting the Karma

Now that half of my allotted lifespan is (probably) over, I’ve decided I need to think of my spiritual future. I’ve nearly paid off my mortgage, my kids are almost grown, I’ve only got ten years to retirement….I need to start thinking about what will happen to me after the big D! Will my cosmic brownie points be in debit or credit?

To help me in this endeavour, I’ve decided to keep a personal account of the karma I think is owing to me (and the karma I owe) so that whoever’s in charge can simply and easily tot up my spiritual balance sheet and allocate me to the correct reincarnatory level.  So here’s the system:

As believers in reincarnation know, if you’re bad, you go down the scale in your next life, and if you’re good, you go up. Here is a sample scale:

Cat. Obviously the top of the pile. Has already achieved Nirvana, you can tell by the ineffable expression.  To be reincarnated as a cat, you probably need a bare minimum of 500 karmic points each year.

                                                                                                                              Dog.  Fantastic but on a slightly lower spiritual plane. A well balanced dog is the happiest, most generous, loving and grateful-to-be-alive creature in the world.  Let’s say that’s worth about 400 karmic points each year.

Human. Obviously there’s a range, from Mahatma Ghandi right on down to Kim Kardashian, but..somewhere around 300 karmic points annually?

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Guinea Pig. Zero. Guinea pigs are cute but they’re basically walking snacks.

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Cane Toad. A blot on the planet or at least on Queensland, Australia. Now we’re getting into minus territory – by 200 points.

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Mosquito. If mosquitoes became extinct, would anything care? No.  Minus 400.

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Ebola virus. Can’t see the fun in that. Minus 500.

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Obviously I’d like to be reincarnated as a cat, and so my aim (though it’s up to the Powers that Be, really) is to reach or exceed 500 points by Christmas 2012.  The rules of Karma Counting are as follows:

• I can be awarded up to ten (plus or minus) Karmic Points for each right action, and minus points for wrong ones.  Eg, 10 for volunteering at a homeless shelter, 5 for cooking mum a special dinner with all the trimmings, 1 for complimenting my awful boss on her dress, and -10 for pulling out the neighbour’s crysanthemums.
• I don’t get to decide this totally by myself. I appoint my friend Captain Savage as Points Referee.
• Captain Savage (and in fact anyone who’s interested) can suggest Good Deeds for me to perform (and specify the attached points). It’s sort of like Truth or Dare.
• Good Deeds are not to involve money above $10. I already sponsor 2 orphans and can’t afford any more!
• Good Deeds are not to involve totally ordinary stuff, like doing the laundry. Yes it is an achievement. No it will not attract Karma.
• Every Wednesday, I will rate my life in the previous week out of 100 (you gotta love decimals). If ‘what goes around REALLY comes around‘ I expect that my life rating will go up more or less in line with the points I accumulate. Yes I know that’s not how it’s supposed to happen but just work with me here…(anyway, it might!).
• Anyone who thinks they can accumulate 500 karmic points quicker than I can, is welcome to try. I only ask that no homeless people are injured in the attempt.  Captain Savage has already entered the field (fat chance GS!).
• He can’t award himself points either. I have to do it.  To play this game, you need a neutral referee.  CS, as a Certified Accountant, is just perfect!

And the bonus is, this will encourage me to be a nicer person. So here goes.

This Week’s Karma

• Tried to persuade my mum to take up medicinal dope. Printed off google search explaining the many benefits. Plus 1 point.
• Didn’t visit mum to deliver it, as was too busy stuffing around on blog. Minus 2.
• Wrote nice poem for friend. Plus 2.
• It wasn’t one of my best. Minus 1.
• TOTAL THIS WEEK – ZERO POINTS!!!!

No really, I’m going to do better than that.  I’m just warming up.

xxx