1. Age is power. You only have to look at all the old bastards lining board room tables and elbowing their way around the halls of Government to realise that. A young dog may run faster than an old dog but an old dog knows better than to waste her energy chasing sticks.
2. Your hair is now silver or even better, snow white. When you were young you probably would have paid $100s and risked death by peroxide to get it that colour. Sure, there will be people (for instance, the idiots who interview you for jobs) who think the grey in your hair has leached from your brain matter: they obviously don’t know that silver is the new blonde.
3. Nobody eyes you up any more. This is supposed to be a bad thing but I can’t see why. When I was young, random guys seemed to think they had a licence to judge the quality of my boobs, my arse and my face. Now they don’t bother and frankly, I’m ok with that.
4. You know stuff. You do, because you have been alive that much longer. Just think back to how stupid you were when you were young…or last week. You are no longer that stupid, and you’re getting less stupid all the time.
5. You are beautiful. You might not believe it but here’s the proof. When you look back at photos of yourself ten years ago, you’re generally surprised at how good-looking you were back then. So in ten years from now… Not that you care, anyway.
6. You have outrun your self-esteem issues, and got used to yourself. Maybe you even like her (or him). When I was young I thought I was ugly, socially awkward and unlikely to amount to anything. Now I’m old I know I was right, and I don’t give a frig.
7. You no longer have to prove anything. If you were ever going to do it, you’ve done it. The frenzied search for a mate is becoming a distant memory: either you’ve got one, or you don’t really want one that much, thanks. As Sophocles said, ‘Spare me, puh..lease!’.
8. There is nothing standing between you and your dreams. Except death, of course. When you were young you had things to do – families to start, career ladders to climb, bucket lists to tick off. As you become old, all of this falls away – and all you have to do is enjoy the time that’s left to you. Admittedly, it can be difficult when your body isn’t down with the program…but there’s still lots of time to watch every episode ever made of (insert your favourite series here).
9. You can demand respect (although you might not always get it). You have the right to be conducted across roads, listened to when you repeat stories for the hundredth time, and tolerated when you can’t find your change at the supermarket checkout. Nobody puts up with this shit when you’re twenty – make the most of it.
10. Children are an unmitigated joy. Sure, they’ve always been lovely in their own way, but how much nicer they are when they buy YOU dinner in fancy restaurants, don’t require their bowel-movements mopped up, and don’t say shit like ‘Mum, I’m boooored!’.
And in honour of getting old, here’s an untouched-up picture of me looking EXACTLY HOW OLD I AM.
What d’ya reckon? Am I trying to stick fancy handles on a sow’s ear, or do you LIKE being old? (Or you can download a truly horrid story here)