You think you know Mormons..think again!

Mormons.  One husband, multiple wives, generally found in Salt Lake City, except when knocking on your door just after the Jehovah’s Witness has given up, right?

But there’s a little known sect of Mormons that doesn’t – surprisingly – get nearly as much publicity.  These are the followers of Helen Jones, Joshua Smith’s great-niece who moved to San Francisco and established a small but insidious offshoot, which has been germinating darkly ever since.

How do I know?  My friend Kate belongs to it and jesus josiah, is she a long way from Utah!  Unlike the typical Mormon family of 32 kids and 4 wives, Kate has 2 kids – and 6 husbands.

What does she do with all those men, you ask!  Well, Brian takes her out for expensive candle-lit dinners on Fridays, while Steve actually enjoys ironing.  Andrew’s a journalist so when he’s not out covering stories he’s in being superbly entertaining.  Eric loves babies, and Kasim whips up a great couscous.  And Randy…is always there when she needs him.

Your typical Mormon squeezes all his spouses into one house and then breaks the budget trying to pay for them all. But Kate’s hubbies all have their own places & pay for themselves AND contribute to Kate’s enviable lifestyle (except for Eric, who’s the homemaker of the family).

“Some people point at us,” says Kate, “and call us names.  But we’re a happy family just like any other – happier, probably!  Obviously having seven pay packets is great, too.”

But can you really be in a loving, stable relationship with all those guys?

“Sure,” says my friend, with a shit-eating confident grin. “Of course, you get jealousy issues.  But I just tell them, hey, I’m head over heels in love with you all in your own special way, for your own special thing.”

I ask Randy what he thinks about it all.

“It’s only natural, when you think of it,” he muses.  “Women have much more sexual stamina than men…I have to admit I really like my nights off in front of the footy.”

But aren’t you jealous?

“Not really,” Eric bashfully admits, leaning down to give baby Clare a piece of fruit – but just then Brian pokes his head out from the kitchen.

“Sure, I’m jealous sometimes.  Like sometimes when we’ve spent the evening together slow-dancing to Joe Crocker, but I know I’ll have to stay out of her way tomorrow cause Kasim’s coming round….and he’s got bigger biceps than I have!”

“It takes patience and work, like any marriage,” nods Kate, “but I think it’s a great step forward for women, really.  Our needs are so much more complex…and, hey don’t take this the wrong way, but women are like iPods – more advanced technology comes in a smaller package.  it takes a lot to keep one woman happy…actually I think my boys are grateful they finally get to share the load.”

mormon wife

Who are we to judge!  (and for those interested in the gory details, see Love Times Three .  Personally, I’d pass on Baldy.


    1. No no, they all have their own homes and toilet seats. Kate has very strict rules – the Book of Helen specifically forbids the leaving up of toilet seats in the near presence of a Female.

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