How to visit heaven..without actually dying

If you saw a way to escape from the petty shit of life, would you take it?

One that didn’t involve imaginary beings, nooses, pills, or illegal substances?

Sitting in a pile of such petty shit last week, I suddenly saw an open door (and it wasn’t the door to our flat).  I don’t know why, or why then, but I looked around at the used mugs on the table, the mass of electronic wiring by the window, the crumbs on the carpet and my thongs on the floor and something said, open up and let it in.

So I did, and in came a tide of awareness.  Whether it came from outside or – more likely – from somewhere in my own head, I felt the light of pure happiness wash into me.  I understood that I was a small creature swimming in an ocean of joy and beauty, and the only barrier was the one I put up myself.  So I burst my little airtight bubble and I let it all flow in, for a few minutes – and then life resumed.

How embarrassed I would be if someone said something like that to me!  ‘Sea of joy!’ I would mutter silently. ‘Tell that to one of those Pakistani sweatshop workers.  Tell it to someone with half a brain! Or join a sect, why don’t you!’

And yet.  Some people will say, there you go, God has touched you – at last!  It was no more God than is the grass or the air.  It just was.


  1. Well, you know that I am slowly but surely dying. I can’t help it; it’s just something that is. I almost died last year, but my Nan chased me back to the land of the living.

    Don’t ever feel bad about your sea of joy, Rose. Embrace it, love it, take it to the max. And I hope it’s not intruded on by bloody crickets behind your fridge (this is the curse of the tarantula keeper, but perhaps Aussies feel the pain too) xx

    1. I guess we’re all dying, but most of us still entertain the illusion that it’s a long way off. How does it feel to have a life-limiting condition (other than life itself)? I once woke up in the middle of the night convinced I had breast cancer. I got all weepy and maudlin – not much courage there I’m afraid. And why do tarantula keepers have crickets behind the fridge (and not IN the fridge)? Happy Christmas, my hairy heroine!

      1. Most of the time I just accept it, but my own mortality was brought home by falling off the wagon over Christmas. One or two now and then is fine, but even over Christmas two bottles of wine and half a bottle of Baileys in one day is a bit much – my liver is letting me know about it, I can tell you! And then, of course, Lemmy – the indestructable God of Rock – died (I know it was cancer and not the booze that got him in the end but still… Lemmy was supposed to be immortal). If Lemmy can die… *puts brakes on drinking wine and goes back to Chinese tea*.

        Ah yes; the crickets. I buy tiny little crickets to feed to the very young tarantulas who are too small to eat small locusts. As hard as you try to keep the little buggers in their box during feeding time, the crickets escape (mainly because they’re so small that I don’t notice; not because I dropped an entire box of the things a couple of months ago, of course not…) and then they go and live behind the fridge motor, where they drink any water leaked from the fridge, sometimes eat each other, and they GROW. Sixteen large crickets located later, and we finally have a silent house again. Until next time.

        Happy new year 🙂

      2. I’m not sure who Lemmy is but if he’s a God of Rock that’s a bad sign for longevity I guess. Sorry to hear about the alcohol restrictions. I would feel very cross indeed if I was told never to eat cheese again, but alcohol doesn’t interest me – I’m much too boring. And thanks for the explanation about the crickets…it’s the great circle of life!

    1. It was an insight, I suppose similar to those I’ve heard about people on lsd having. But then, they don’t go on to live better lives because of it..will I? Dunno! Ps I read and greatly enjoyed your book, Carrie, and will be posting reviews soon:)

      1. Oh, thank you. That’s so nice to hear! I’m glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your support in reading it. Hope all is well with you and that you’re finding time to write. You’re too talented not to. 🙂

  2. I experienced something like this once. That sea of joy, that awakening. But it was more like an epiphany. At that time I knew all my dreams would come true and I never felt so happy. It was like an extended orgasm.
    If my life changed? A lot! If it was overnight? Sure, no. However, it gave me the motivation to strive , to believe in me, and to not quit. I don’t know better motivation than the one that comes from within. It doesn’t last one day, or one week. It lasts a lifetime! (Or at least it lasted, for now). 🙂

      1. In the way, I have too many! 😀
        Well, you don’t have to decide what your dreams are, you just need to accept them. What you can do is to sit quietly for a while and let your mind speak. I know it’s a bit scary, and it will be at first, but you’ll discover a lot about yourself, – the good, and the bad – including your dreams. Try it and let me know if it worked. 😉

  3. This is random. How do I get notifications. I admit, I didn’t read your blog this time around. I NEED to get email notifications or I’m SO out of it. I want to get back in.

    1. Hello Mel, I”m so pleased to hear from you! Outside Facebook that is:) I haven’t been writing for a while – moving, and all that. I’m on holidays so that makes it easier, guess we’ll see what happens when I go back to the dreaded work. So maybe you should hang off on the notifications thing for a while dear Mel..

  4. Oh, and may I say I miss you and love your attitude. Not only to you acknowledge and accept the profusity of SHIT in life, but you welcome it and wallow in it. I love that. I have missed out on SO MUCH wallowing with JOY in SHIT! I feel like a pig all of a sudden! A glutton for rolling in poo. Hmmm. Seems stinky. Love to you. Or crumbs to your floor!

  5. This happens once in a while. The winds of Life just wafts in and lifts your spirits and yes, it feels otherworldly. But rejuvenating. Wish we could harness that for when we need those boosts.

    1. Me too, but it seems difficult to access that whatever it is when you’re really under pressure. Maybe, as the meditators say, you have to practice, then it becomes possible to get that boost when you really need it.

      1. I tried to meditate last time my man went bananas, but every time I tried, thoughts kept intruding ‘you’re a moron, why are you like this? I don’t like you!’. It wasn’t very successful. Still, practice and all that.

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