Cause sometimes you just gotta stop trying so f*****g hard.
Like for instance taking a crap. This poor cow I know, she grew up with chronic constipation. There was always some reason she had to hurry up when she was on the dunny, say the taxi that took all the weird kids to school – sorry I mean kids with disabilities and shit – was waiting out the front door and her mum was yelling where the fuck are you they’ll leave you behind if you don’t come out of that bloody bathroom. Or she’d be sitting in the loo trying to do her business and there’s two bloody rugrats screaming and clawing at the dunny door like she was in there suiciding instead of just taking a shit like any normal person right?
So now when she sits down to take a dump she’s either all plugged up or the other thing and when she’s plugged up that’s when she comes whingeing to me! And this is what I tell her!
What you need to do is CHILL, sista. So the boyfriend’s in the next room and you don’t want him to hear you carrying on like a sow in labour. So it’s only an ensuite and lavender and farts don’t match whatever they say on the spray can. So the bitches at work probably think you’re in the toot having a smoko or wanking or something. Relax, honey. Read a book in there, take some booze, turn up the ACDC, make yourself a party. The right kind of shit happens when you’re not trying – in life as well as in the can.
Have problems in the dunny? What gives YOU the shits? Tell Aunty Violet – I give everyone the shits, guaranteed!
From Violent Violet: the Unexpurgated Spray. She’s mean, crude and she doesn’t give a fuck..and she inhabits the pages of Shit Buddha Forgot to Say. Don’t head over there without your wellies. Alternatively, you could tell King Midget what it’s like to be a girl on the other end, so to speak (analysis of the similarities between proctoral exploration and the female experience of intercourse notwithstanding).