Why is life like having Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

Cause sometimes you just gotta stop trying so f*****g hard.

Like for instance taking a crap.  This poor cow I know, she grew up with chronic constipation.  There was always some reason she had to hurry up when she was on the dunny, say the taxi that took all the weird kids to school – sorry I mean kids with disabilities and shit – was waiting out the front door and her mum was yelling where the fuck are you they’ll leave you behind if you don’t come out of that bloody bathroom.  Or she’d be sitting in the loo trying to do her business and there’s two bloody rugrats screaming and clawing at the dunny door like she was in there suiciding instead of just taking a shit like any normal person right?

So now when she sits down to take a dump she’s either all plugged up or the other thing and when she’s plugged up that’s when she comes whingeing to me!  And this is what I tell her!

What you need to do is CHILL, sista.  So the boyfriend’s in the next room and you don’t want him to hear you carrying on like a sow in labour.  So it’s only an ensuite and lavender and farts don’t match whatever they say on the spray can.  So the bitches at work probably think you’re in the toot having a smoko or wanking or something.  Relax, honey. Read a book in there, take some booze, turn up the ACDC, make yourself a party.  The right kind of shit happens when you’re not trying – in life as well as in the can.

Have problems in the dunny?  What gives YOU the shits?  Tell Aunty Violet – I give everyone the shits, guaranteed!

From Violent Violet: the Unexpurgated Spray.  She’s mean, crude and she doesn’t give a fuck..and she inhabits the pages of Shit Buddha Forgot to Say.  Don’t head over there without your wellies.  Alternatively, you could tell King Midget what it’s like to be a girl on the other end, so to speak (analysis of the similarities between proctoral exploration and the female experience of intercourse notwithstanding).


  1. I agree entirely, I have had issues with constipation, and it is a great analogy for life. You try and try and nothing happens, you accidentally relax too much and it’s a mad dash to release the brown trout back into the wild. I now make sure to consume sufficient fibre, and make sure I try at least once a day every morning. Routine is important, in life and in terms of passing stool. Brown bread instead of white, eat less meat and try to eat oily fish more often. Excercise, going for walks, all good ways of making sure one is regular. Also good for other areas of health and well worth doing. Good things come to those who wait, it applies all round.

  2. Too many chilis give me the shits. But I read on the netwebs somewhere someone said they LIKE having the shits and I’m going to put it out and say I agree

  3. Yeah they do me too, and yep, having the shits is way better than not having the shits. Unless of course you’re constantly having them..or you’re three kilometres away from a toilet. My babe has a hilarious habit of rhapsodising about his bowel movements (some people would find it awful but I dunno – it cracks me up).

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