Don’t ask where the other 67 went.
Anyway. Here’s the idea. Don’t steal it.
People LOVE exclusivity. They also LOVE fashion. So Ms M and I have a plan. We’re going to set up a clothes store SO exclusive that hardly anybody is ever allowed past the door.
It will stock amazing clothes – clothes you can’t get anywhere else.
The Body Con Boxers. Like ordinary boxers, but with more nitroglycerine.
The Picasso Bra. Why SHOULD both boobs point in the same direction?
The Distressed Dress. Less a dress, more a hole with threads hanging off it.
There will obviously be a rush of fashionistas and fashionistos (the male version) wanting to buy these items. But wait – our store will have the most fearsome door bitch since Andy Warhol was turned away from Annabel’s for wearing a fluoro tie.
“You want to come in here wearing…THAT? Don’t – make – me – laugh!”
“We don’t take your sort in here. Got a problem? Have a cry. Have two!’
“Don’t bother. We don’t have anything that’d fit you. You’re size zero? Get a trainer. We only stock minus sizes now.”
If you do manage to get in, by dint of bribery or waving the kind of credit card that only has three users on the planet, there’ll be dressing rooms designed to mirror (ha) the clandestine thrill of those sites on Facebook where people put up selfies and get other people to ‘rate’ their attractiveness. Each room will be equipped with a two-way glass, one on each wall. One will allow the person in the next cubicle to see you and make disparaging comments.
“Whoa. Thunder-thighs. Do those make a NOISE when they rub together?”
Through the other, YOU can insult the person in the cubicle next to you.
“Hey, micro-guy – nice muscles. Pity you can’t lift with your dick, huh.”
People are just going to be storming our shop JUST to get stylishly rejected.
“What did you do on the weekend, Paris?”
“Funny you ask, Nicole – well of course I took a limo to R&M’s, you should have heard what the door-bitch said to me! I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!”
“Oh wow Paris…I wish I could get insulted like that. But you have to be at least a B lister..”
I think it’ll fly.
And talking about things that fly, Misha Burnett’s recently launched the sequel to Catskinner’s Book (NOT about a man who skins cats – would I read that?). Cannibal Hearts continues the story of James Ozryck, a likeable, amusing sort of guy who killed his entire family as a child but is not entirely responsible. Now his nemesis is re-furbishing a half-sunk river steamer as an upmarket casino..but why? Why??? Misha’s prose is imaginative, fast and readable, and you’ll finish Cannibal Hearts just itching to read the next one.
Or if you’re more in the mood for an unusual blog, Not So Fancy Nancy posted something the other week that much surprised me. I had no idea that Nancy had such an interesting and at times painful history, but I do know what it feels like to want to pack your bags and run away. If you feel like giving Nancy some virtual support, head over.