The Sorcerer’s Tampon and other mysteries

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Lady Ermenegilda stood alone in the Chamber of Eternal Night, the light of an elaborately carved chandelier catching her dusty crewcut and faint ginger moustache..

“CUT.”

….catching her cascading chestnut waves and honey-coloured skin.

“Your time has come, Lord of Sorcerers.”  She drew forth a high-powered plasma-rifle and –

“CUT.  They don’t have high-powered plasma rifles!”

“Yes they do! This is set in the 30th Millennium.  What do you think they have? Swords?”

“Exactly.”

….drew forth the ancient blade of the Queens of Erith, and held it high.

“Fight me, and we will see which is the strongest, good or evil.”

“I will not fight you,” said the Lord of Sorcerers, bending down to adjust the strap of one stiletto, blonde curls falling disarmingly over one long-lashed –

“Hold it!  The Lord of Sorcerers isn’t a cross-dresser!  And he’s a brunette.  Evil, dark.  Good, blonde.  Got it?” 

“He could be.  How come evil sorcerers never show their feminine side.  I think it’s about time cross-dressers got equal time with”

“SHUTUP!’

“Then fight we shall, and I shall crush you like the weak human slave that you are!” thundered the Lord of Sorcerers, and rising from his throne of ancient power he drew his own weapon, a lethal cannister of nerve gas which he had been developing all along for this very eventuality deep in the chasms of his –

“NO. There is NO nerve gas!”

..drew the blood-red axe of Zrognum with which he had killed Lady Ermenegilda’s mother so many years before.

And as they stood poised for battle, a paleness overcame Lady Ermenegilda, and a strange weariness.  She sank to the black marble floor, a spreading red stain darkening her white silk dress.  The Lord towered over her, exulting in his strength and power.

“Yes, kneel and die, Lady.  For my magic is mighty yet.  Fall at my feet, and be destroyed!”

“Wait!” said the Lady Ermenegilda, “This is unfair. I have but got my period.  Stay but a moment and I will take two ponstan tablets -”

“NO. Fantasy heroines do not have periods.”

“Yes they do. What about when Sansa has her first bleed in Game of Thrones? What about – ”

“NO THEY DON’T.  Not in the middle of important fights.”

“Anyway…”

But as he towered above her, gloating, Lady Ermenegilda summoned all her waning strength and thrust, straight to the heart of darkness…

“Missed!”

“NO she didn’t!”

A groan  escaped his livid lips, a thousand banshees breaking loose of the torments of Hell.  The Lord of Sorcery doubled up, clutching his belly.

“It is I who have destroyed you, and with you, all the evil that you brought into this fair world,”

The Lady Ermenegilda stood tall and straight, a glory upon her.

“No,” said the Lord, dragging himself slowly to the great oaken doors, “I’m not actually dying. It is just that I ate half a cow at dinner, and I REALLY need to go to -”

OK that’s it.  I’ve had it with you.  We just can’t work together. I’m off.  Maybe to make Game of Thrones.  Who knows.  Good luck with your screenwriting career.  IF you have one after today. Ha!

To celebrate the fact that my novel, Deeper, is on Amazon FREE for ONE MORE DAY, I’m going to write a tale of dark fantasy each day as the moon sinks below the gum trees!  Four down, one to go.  Join me if you feel in a fey mood, and I’ll link.  YES, gloated the Lord of Sorcery, 650 people have already downloaded Deeper – guess the blurb must be good if nothing else!!!