Fear of anger

Dunno about you but I’m scared of anger.

Maybe the Universe knows this.  Otherwise, why would it have hooked me up with so many Angry Men?  For instance, my ex-hubby.  He’s angry because..he just is.  Also, maybe, because he’s on the short side.  Then there’s the exes.  Angry Cokehead – pissed off because he’s black in a white man’s world.  Angry Womaniser – pissed off because women, like, have needs.  Angry Madman – pissed off because his mummy and daddy didn’t love him enough.  Then there’s the man I went out with not long ago who’s annoyed because his family ignore him.

Thing is, I don’t like anger, and I shrink away from it.  I will go a mile around to avoid an angry person, and an actual fight makes me sick in the stomach.  Normally when someone’s angry at me, I pour oil on troubled waters – as much as it takes.  That works, until the next hurricane.  With Angry Madman, even the oil used to make him angry.  He’d just get more and more abusive, until even I got angry.  When I finally get angry, things can get very nasty.

Ms M was asking me a couple of weeks ago if there’s anything I regret about the way I brought up my two little teenage angels, and I said – well for one, if I had my time over again, I would have never bought that bloody computer!  Or tv. Or X Box…Or anything electronic.  Ms M snorted in disgust.  Anyway the other thing I said was that, if I could, I would’ve found a different way to be angry with my son, other than smacking him.  I mean, he was INCREDIBLY irritating.  If you could be a career irritator, he would be at the very top of the tree, an Alpha Irritator.  But still, I always remember the time when he’d worked me up to a pitch of frustration, by hitting his sister and banging walls and throwing stuff etc etc etc…and I whacked him as hard as I could on the bum, with him going ‘THAT doesn’t hurt!” and “I’ll hate you for ever and EVER!”…and then I stormed out, leaving him sobbing and sulking.  And then half an hour later I hear this ‘Mu-uum.’  So I go back into his room, feeling kinda guilty, and he lifts his tearful little 11 year old face, and says ‘Muum, do you still love me?’ in this small trembling voice.

“Of course I do, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world, it’s just that sometimes I get..angry.”  I still feel bad about that.  I wish I’d thought of something else to do, when the red rage came over the mountain.

Anyway.

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37 comments

    • I don’t know if he does. i think I may have said sorry at some point. He doesn’t seem to hold it against me. But I still wish I hadn’t (but when I think of it, I also think – but you were SO enraging!).

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  1. I’m not one for anger myself. I get angry about once a year, so it’s not a common sight, and lasts for the inside of a minute. Its normally exasperation. But people with a long term brooding anger whether its about their parents or the price of sausages scare. You heard it here first

    • Yes, exactly. I’m the same, I rarely get angry and when I do it’s over in a minute. Unless it’s not – that’s when I’ve taken as much as I can over a long time and I’m deeply, viscerally angry. But that’s not the shouting sort.

  2. I know how you feel. I also go out of my way to avoid anger and I simply hate fights. Like you, as well, I tend to keep it under control in myself but go over the top when things come to a head. I always hate myself thereafter.

  3. I’m like you, Rose. Anger scares me, especially when it’s a man, and even more, if he’s a large man. I have no idea where that comes from.

    Bringing up kids by yourself is no picnic and kids know how far they can push your buttons. When I was the sole parent, I thought I wouldn’t make it past my daughter’s teen years, that’s how frustrated and beaten I felt, but we both made it and now I’m a grandma. My daughter and I have talked about her pushing me as far as she could and my sometime utter rage but it’s all forgotten.

    • Yes, these things move on. My son now is mostly very pleasant, though he still does like to push my buttons on occasion. I don’t think he would ever recognise that he does this or why he does – he’s just not that mature yet, unlike your daughter. Frustrated and beaten – that puts it in a nutshell.

  4. Creative anger … oh wow … I bet a lot of people wished they had that one. Good ones … just so you know … I’m not the angry type …. well, in general.

    • Anger that lead to violence is ugly, and like you I am still ashamed of having slapped my daughter on the bum when she refused to get in the bath – years ago… But I owe my best achievements to this creative anger that rebels agains injustice and oppression.

  5. Lots of things irritate me, but I’ve just never been an angry person. It (usually) takes a heck of a lot to push me to the point I.am.pissed.off. And I can easily remember pushing my mom to the point of losing her temper and her giving me a good swat (most of those times it was because my little brother and I would have a brawl in the living room…lol) But I always loved and respected her and never held it against her.

    • A swat is one thing. This wasn’t so much a swat as a series of hard whacks, not that I have the muscle to whack that hard. It was just sort of “I WILL make you bow down before me, for I am Zog…” – and a recalcitrant little sod on the other end of it.

  6. I’m unsure as to whether I prefer anger or indifference. The problem is that anger is, for me, usually a thing that merely veils indifference. Once the dust settles, an empty hole is left. Anger typically deepens this hole, which ain’t a pleasant consequence.

    • I don’t think you can feel anger if you really feel indifferent, not in my experience anyway. You may feel angry THEN indifferent – all your emotions having been expended. As you say, once the dust settles.

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  7. anger absolutely terrifies me. if someone even just raises their voice at me, it’ll freak me out and i can feel myself start tearing up. i hate it, because it’s such an involuntary response! i’m much more passive-aggressive in my own anger, which probably is only effective at making myself feel worse.

  8. Oh Rose. I just read this as I’m traveling to work on the Metra. Sitting here thinking how I want to sob when I’m actually really angry. Unless someone hits me in the face my anger doesn’t manifest itself “correctly”. I can blog angry, but what usually happens is I veg. I am a terminal cheered upper to others though. Hard to believe. I can deal with other people’s emotions better than y own.

    Anyway …

    • it’s funny how emotions and responses get all mixed up. Sometimes I don’t even know when I’m angry, I just work it out later. Cheerer upper is good, the world needs more of those!

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      • I love the new look! Are you kidding me? Is it the background painting stuff? If it isn’t, it’s beautiful, if it is, I feel like crying i’m so touched. OK, my feelings ARE really screwed up 🙂

  9. OMG, yes, it’s that abstract I did. I love you Rose. What a friend. Lord, I hope I didn’t goof. It sure looks like the colors in the painting. xx

  10. You noticed! And yes, it’s your painting, and yes, it looks just lovely, doesn’t it. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind. M and me went to the hairdresser together and got ‘special’ hair, which in both our cases doesn’t add up to much because we’re both long and messy. But my cutter did these great 50s coils – washed out now, sadly!

    • I REALLY LOVE that you use my paintings!!! You must … i mean the ones you like. I think I would have gone more “teal” on this painting. In fact it is more teal in “real life” And there is texture and metallic acrylic as well. I may need a job in a year or two … and I’m SURE i can’t make a living painting … and I should probably be looking for a job now. Do you like Seattle, WA? That’s where I’m going to start looking for jobs (that pay and have insurance).

      And, what fun … you went “girlie” for a day. Fun! I’ve NEVER had my nails done on my hands or feet. I’m thinking of having someone rub my feet 😉

      • I never have had my nails done either, and I have awful feet. Seattle, WA..I don’t know. Is that as in Sleeping In?? Does Don like it? I don’t know, maybe you could make a living. I think your paintings are really good! Maybe you could do more covers?

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      • Well, Rose, I’m counting on you to write a million more books. Tell me what you’re coming up with next, and I’ll do a bunch of stuff that’s semi-relatied that I can put my own “stuff” into, and suit you as well. Kidding … I’m simply amazed someone payed me to play with my paints.

        I DO love impressionism … but i’m good at graphic design stuff too. I can do really fabulous “cover” layouts. Anyhoo … Seattle. Yes, Don and I have been there twice … i was born there. I used to visit Oregon and Washington a lot as a kid … because me ma’s people live on the West Coast: All of them. The ones that are still alive.

        We shall see. Let the world unfold … lots of things are changing; healthcare, job-stuff. My boss and I HAVE to move our office in the next few weeks. Stress is high. Also, my boss will be 81 in October. I hope he works at least another 4-5 years. He will. He’s still raking in money.

  11. I’ve never recognised, or is it acknowledged?, anger in all my raising and all that’s gone down in my life. Then my son comes about and says he’s angry I tried to kill myself/”tried to bail on me”. Angry. And I began wondering – am I angry my mother suicided but I don’t admit it?

    I know, this is a blog: you can’t offer counselling, but I still don’t feel anger and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me/is part of me dead, or is it I’m just a brilliantly loving being who cannot know such a thing? ha ha – don’t know…

    Your boss is 81? !!!!!

    • Perhaps you do feel anger but it’s risky so you push it down. I find anger is pretty risky – you risk letting other people know how you feel and then they can respond to that, so you’ve sort of lost control of the situation (as opposed to when you decide to be calm or reasonable or whatever it is, and then they can only respond to the ‘fake’ you). Also if you’re angry, THEY can be angry, and that might lead to violence or abuse or horrible levels of honesty. But then again, maybe you really don’t feel angry, maybe you have other responses like shame or embarrassment or fear – not everyone has to feel anger as a response to abuse.

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  12. Hey, I saw your comment “words”. Mel, here. MY boss is 81 (mel). I’m not sure how old butI’mbeautiful’s boss is. 🙂

    Wow, no anger? You must have something related to anger. There’s no “getting out” of being a human, unfortunately.

    • My boss – in his sixties I think. 81! Wow! As for no anger, well yes I do get cranky, but not very often. And sometimes I just feel that deep anger that you get when you feel you’ve been ill treated but you never say anything about it – I guess that’s the unappealing ‘bitter’ side that’s pretty repressed. In general though I’m very slow to anger.

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  13. Your examples of why your ex-hubby, “Angry Cokehead,” “Angry Madman,” and the guy whose family ignored him was really lame and cheap. And before you rationalize I have these things in common with these men I actually don’t. I just don’t comprehend why would those examples be the reason they’re “angry.” I thought I was gone like this post because I read the comments first and someone said something about “creative anger” and I was like WHOA! I thought you were gone give examples of how to be creative when you get mad, which I’m prone too, but not for those silly reasons you gave. Anyway, I like the idea of being afraid of anger because you don’t know what you’re capable of when you get mad so you should avoid it at all cost. I like the idea of anger with boundaries. You should get mad but not to the extreme. Anger can produce some good thought processes and you can channel it to creative endeavors. Often!

  14. Well, I could go into a long explanation of why I think various men I know are angry (and women, for that matter) but it’s complex and besides, I’m not in their head so all I can really do is guess. All I know is that I really don’t like it when people are angry. I have no experience of ‘creative anger’ – I don’t feel creative at all when I’m angry, although I suppose I could write ‘angry poems’ or even an ‘angry book’. But that’s just channelling whatever emotions I have into art. I’m glad I know what it is to be angry, a writer needs to experience emotions. But I agree with you, you have to set boundaries.

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