Women: The Manual

Normally you’d have to pay HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS for this kind of advice.

But I’m giving it to you for free.  Yes, in this post I will answer once for all the burning question – how do I get women to sleep with me??

Trailer Trash Deluxe – who obviously I would date in a moment if only he lived in Australia – complains in his seminal post I Trust You’re Happy with Yourselves!!! that even for a well-set up man of means such as himself, it’s very difficult to get women to put out.

What’s the secret?

  • Inside (almost) every woman is a sand goby, looking for a male with enough resources to see her eggs to adulthood.  Luckily, she can often be satisfied with POTENTIAL resources.  Like, if you are ABOUT to write the next great novel, sometime.
  • (Most) women like to talk. Problem is, so do most men, louder, harder, longer. Practice the art of acting fascinated (better yet, of BEING fascinated).  Only 10% or less of men have mastered this art, so you’ll be way out in front.
  • Everybody likes things that other people want.  BE one of those things. If you’re not, pretend (you’ll notice this word comes up often).  I remember when some deadbeat boyfriend of mine said he was planning (one day) to become a DJ.  Instant images of him wowing a crowd of hand-waving cool people, and ME his chosen one, beaming smugly up by the mixer. Done deal.
  • Some people say women aren’t shallow.  Don’t believe them.  Drape that paunch.  Get rid of the dandruff.  Yellow is a beautiful and cheerful colour but not on teeth.
  • (Many) women are credulous (see ‘pretend’).  Personally I’m incredibly credulous.  I can be had (almost) for an admiring whistle and a couple of well-aimed compliments ‘you’re so beautiful’, ‘you’re the most intelligent woman I’ve ever met’, ‘your writing is ineffably moving!’.
  • Women fall in love with whingers, but only after the main course.  If you’re not happy, PRETEND you are (or at least reasonably stable) for a few weeks at least.  Then you can introduce her to the real you – otherwise known as ‘depths’.  Whatever you do, don’t start off on the pointlessness of life and the unimaginable stinkiness of your ex, work, or life (leave that for later, when your tears will make her want to kiss it better rather than invent reasons to be somewhere else).

Trailer Trash of course already KNOWS all these things – I would never teach him to suck eggs (I mean solicit them).  I realise people are hugely variable, and can’t be stereotyped.  But his post made me think about what it is that men can do to entice the opposite sex.

As a man, how do YOU entice and delight?  As a woman, how do YOU sort the duds from the dudes?

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50 comments

  1. it’s almost as if Women ENJOY the work of wooing – as if all of this concentration, fascination, conversation is part of the deal. Most men have the attention span of a Toronto Mayor, and just need to get to the pay-off as soon as possible. Only Serial Seducers like the ‘preamble’.

    • Yeah – I would say we do. Who wouldn’t enjoy being given presents and wined and dined and all that, though! Maybe the preamble is why some guys get to be serial seducers – lucky things!

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  2. Wow, I never knew this about women. And all these years: Being one.

    I do appreciate when Don compliments me after I take a shower. xo

  3. I think it was Elvis Costelloe who said falling in love is like looking at a distant star. You can only see it if you look away. People seem to work so hard at trying to find that special someone – or even anyone. but that makes them desperate, and nobody likes desperate. Get on with your life. Be active and open. The more people you come into contact with, the more chance you will meet someone. If it’s meant to happen, it will, if not, there’s always a new box set coming out.

    • Yes, I think that’s true. Though, I do think it’s important to be reasonably positive. It sounds yuckily happy clappy, but I don’t think many people are drawn to grumpy people, unless maybe they look like Lord Byron.

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  4. Well now … given that I haven’t been on that circuit for 38 or so years, I wouldn’t know what to say, not say … heck, I can’t even add to this discussion … well besides, well Rose, this is the most sincere, highly intelligent information I’ve ever read about life’s circumstances.

    • Thank you so much! Your compliments make me feel all warm and fuzzy! (or maybe that’s my body hair..no, cut that, it’s the compliments :))

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  5. I’ve been so remiss, “Rose”. 😉 I definitely have been fitting into the “too grumpy to date” category for quite a while lately. Or just too busy or too tired when not grumpy. Writing? Forget it.
    Anyway, I’m extremely, no, make that EXTREMELY, flattered that you would even think of dating me (most of the time I just feel flattened, not flattered). Certainly I would date you in a heartbeat, were we not 16 (18?) hours apart by the fastest planes. But then you’d find out how I really felt about this or that subject, probably, and be aghast and say, “Why did I ever think this would be a good idea?” Ah, who knows, maybe someday. Anyway, thanks so much for your kindness; you are always way too kind and have a very good heart, I think. I like you anyway.
    By the way, I love this post even without the mention of me. Obviously. And congratulations on publishing your book, Jane.

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