The Karmic Challenge: Week 35: Revealed, the Greatest Cake Recipe on Earth

It’s been a rosaceous family secret for hundreds of years.

Strong men would kill for it.  Women would sleep with Donald Trump for it (almost).  Hugh Hefner would give his virginity for the chance to eat, but once, of this divine concoction…

BUT I – and Beetle – are going to give it away FOR FREE – no virginities required – on this blog.  I mean, how karmic is that!!

This is how it goes.  First, take one assistant, approximately eight years old, untutored in the ways of cakes (Beetle tells me she’s never made a cake before, so that fits the bill).

Take one large bowl.  Squash into it some banana, half-beaten (but not cowed) egg, sugar and cocoa powder.  At this point, as Beetle says rhetorically (I hope),

“How come it looks like something you can eat?”

Yes it does. So both you and the assistant can stick your fingers in and lick them, to check that there’s enough sugar.  There isn’t, so chuck some more in.  A cake can never have too much sugar in it.

Now tip in some flour.  Oops!  Beetle comments that the mix looks like ‘that stuff mum puts on to smell nice.’   Uh oh, too much flour – better add some milk.

“Is cake SUPPOSED to have milk in it?”, Beetle asks.  Sure – if it’s not wet enough.  Please proceed.  Ok, NOW it looks wet enough – BUT, oh my god, there is something missing!! Something vital! Something without which this secret cake will be as enticing as banana flavoured cow poo – what is it!

BUTTER! Of course.  We forgot.  Quick, melt some butter (well it says it’s just like butter and who am I to question Sunnyfarm) and splosh it in.  But now…it’s TOO wet.

“Why does it look all eggy?”

Indeed.  But the experienced chef sees no problems, only solutions, and so she quickly hoists up the bag of flour and tips a whole lot more in, until the mix has the consistency of a well rotted swamp.

And here comes the essential bit.  Sticking your spoons into the swamp, you must now pretend to be an electric mixer.  It helps a lot if you make the right noise, as cake mix responds as much to the musical vibrations of the mixer as to the actual mixing action.

There! Perfect! Splat the mix into a cake tin and tip half a packet of pepitas on top, for the truly professional touch.

Now you’re ready to put the cake in the oven, which you’ve carefully set at 20% over the recommended temperature because your oven is 20 years old and leaks a bit.  Set the timer to a while, and sit down to scrape the bowl, not forgetting to offer some to the dogs.

DELICIOUS!!! (It was, too).   Ten karmic points, I think?

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23 comments

  1. I loved this post! What a sweet story! Sounds like Beetle enjoyed herself…I’m sure it was the best cake ever.

    • Oops–I hit the publish button too soon. I wanted to say, Quick! Get the Donald, because this looks so yummy. And your directions were so perfectly clear! Actually, I’d have to be completely gorked out of my mind to get near The Donald. Nothing frightens me more.

      • Yes – well my sister and I were discussing how much we’d have to be paid to spend a night with various revolting billionaires, and the Donald was high on the list. My sister said that no inducement would be high enough (then again, he’s not likely to ask either of us!).

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    • I agree. But I can’t think of anything harder. I did hand over some more cash to another homeless guy for (I hope) a room somewhere, and I also drank a lot of almond milk, thus avoiding calf-murdering normal milk – but that’s boring, so I didn’t mention it. I need more spectacular ways of being good. (Also, the trouble with some of my good deeds is that I can’t boast about them, as they’re just part of what one does…pity, as I do like to boast). Now Carolyn, help me! I need ideas!

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      • Oh go on…! Boast away…! One man’s boring is another man’s epiphany..! You never know; you may start a whole grab for karmic points by surrendering your ‘part of what one does’ for a good old ‘boast about what one does’…
        That’s the best I can do at such short notice, Rose….

      • I probably would but my sisters and friends would think it was a bit rich. Coming from me, especially – definitely the least karmic member of the family.

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  2. Only ten karmic points? I think you deserve at least twenty! Why? Because you had me riveted right here to my monitor as soon as I read that “Women would sleep with Donald Trump for it (almost).” And then I just HAD to know what could possibly be worth it for women to (almost) engage in such an unnatural act! Lol 😀

    Your recipe and preparation for your cake was also remarkably similar to the Chicken and Turkey Chowder Stew that I made for dinner this evening, especially with the emphasis upon butter, which is also a vitally important ingredient in my recipe. But since I was making stew, I didn’t add any sugar, and used a light sprinkling of salt instead. But my stew was delicious, and possibly delicious enough to rival your cake, even if in a different way, since what I made was a main course, and what you made was for dessert.

    Maybe we should get what we make together, so that each can complete the other, which doesn’t entirely sound the way that I intended it to… Lol 😉

    • Maybe you should put the recipe for your stew on your blog – then people can have that for dinner, and my cake for dessert, as the ending to a perfect day?

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  3. At least 10 points, Rose. I love that you’re baking with a child who has never had the chance before – and particularly that you’re licking out the bowl with her. Really I think it’s way higher than 10 points. AND I’m laughing about the way you bake because it sounds so familiar. I am completely incapable of following a recipe. Unlike you, though, I regularly forget key ingredients (eggs, butter…) When my kids bake with me, they check in: “Eggs, Mom? Butter? Did you remember the baking powder this time?”

    • You mean ‘they’ did. But you know – only 4-ish weeks to go and then I can cash in. In theory. I think I need to do something spectacular to finish up with.

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