The Karmic Challenge: Week 32, courtesy of Who Weekly

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage).  A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice.  Or maybe frightening (which could also be fun).


The scene: an upmarket hotel, similar to the one presided over by The Hook and his Book…..A glamorous figure swathed in fake furs emerges onto its marble portico.  Bulbs flash (what are bulbs?), cameras whirr, a huge posse of paparazzi in black leather jackets and inappropriately tight jeans surges forward…

Rose! Rose! Abe Lincoln from the New York Times! Where do you get your hair cut??

Rose: I don’t get it cut, I can’t be bothered, darling! Next?

Rose! Barack Obama, Who Weekly – tell us about your steamy love life!!

Rose: Sweetie, ever heard of the Vagina Monologues? could be dialogues if you play your cards right..

Gail Beggie, Guardian – um, Rose, got any new karma for us this week?

Rose: I’ve never heard such a DUMB ass question in all my – what did you say? Oh, karma, sure.  Well (adjusts cleavage to best advantage, smoothes luscious chestnut waves)..

I went to see elderly Mr L on his birthday, and gave him a calendar with Australian birds on it. Mr L loves all animals (just like me!) and was quite pleased. It struck me how easy it is (would be) for amoral people to take advantage of kindly senior citizens – Mr L’s already bought Christmas presents for all his favourite staff members (Australiana mugs) and offered to buy ME a television.  Lucky I’m so damn saintly (or at least, reasonably decent).  I said no thanks, just in case anyone’s wondering.

Then I took Beetle out for a walk with the dogs and a swing. I’m starting to think having grandchildren wouldn’t be as bad as I thought – an hour with Beetle, oohing and aahing at her swinging ability and answering her little questions (‘But why does your dog look so funny when it comes out of the water? But why do people like golf (god knows!)? And why don’t you buy a golf course of your own? (I would, if it meant I could kick golfers off it).

Backyard. Lovely but infested by golfers!


Oh, and I tried to go vegan. Hey, I really tried! (and I’m still trying – in maternal solidarity with all those dairy cow mums who get slaughtered when their milk starts to run out). Now I’ve got a fridge full of pretend cheese and almond milk, I’m starting to feel slightly more sympathetic to meat addicts.  I still don’t like watery stuff in my coffee, so…but I’m getting there!

I’ll leave it up to Captain Savage to allocate the points, as he is completely impartial (and in the thrall of my evil powers).

If anyone out there IS a vegan…what do vegans eat that’s nice?


  1. I’ve tried to be a vegan after breastfeeding made me realise what those poor cows had to go through. The nicest milk is vanilla flavoured rice milk, almond milk and fake cheese are both horrible! Also, mushroom burgers and hummus are nice…I didn’t last very long as a vegan unfortunately but I still drink vanilla or soya milk, and just try to have as few meat or dairy products as possible. Do you get karma points for trying?

    1. That’s a funny comment about the cows! I actually liked breastfeeding, after the first two weeks – but I never liked breast pumps, which is what the cows get! I’ll try vanilla rice milk – thanks. I actually think I should get points for trying, it wasn’t easy to pour myself a soyachino when what I really wanted was full cream..


  2. I too loved breast feeding…! Hard to remember exactly why now…!
    Can’t help with the vegan thing, Rose… I was vegetarian for 10 years, 10 years ago. Not the same thing, I know…! Beans (lots of beans) make me bloat… Just thought I’d let you know; just in case it happens to you… something about not cooking them properly….!

  3. Ooh… should have gone for the TV. And I’m unable to go vegan or even vegetarian, so no links from me :(…

  4. LOng time, no visits!!! I never write … i never call (course i never did do) … never never.

    OK. I could probably hook you up with a VERY SERIOUS vegan, however she is my boyfriends daughter and my IAMNOTSHE cover would be blown. Maybe not a bad thing since i’m going to focus on photography, painting, and a little writing. No sickness. Bummer. No, not a bummer. Good thing.

    The Chicago Diner is suppsed to have the BEST vegan food. I’m so sorry to tell you … fake cheese is the most disgusting stuff i’ve every tasted. I tried a vegan meal, and it was cold and slimey. I am an unfortunate meat addict … and i’ll probably stay that way (present circumstance withstanding). It COULD change since, I like you LOVE animals to pieces and would never harm one (directly). That’s lame.

    NICE POINTS! I think you get loads of points for being kind to Mr. L and not taking advantage of his good nature. However, remember, sometimes people like to do things for others! YES, that is their joy.

    I’m still working on that “ultimate” joy. 🙂 Karma is the teacher. xx

    1. Hello Mel! Don’t worry, I never call either…only because I’m so busy being nice to Mr L..but it doesn’t mean I don’t think of you (there, doesn’t that make me supremely qualified as somebody’s douchebag boyfriend? except for being a girl of course). Eating meat is alright. As long as it’s not cruel. I think Mr L does like being sweet to people, he’s very happy about the mugs, and it’s nice seeing him look through the catalogue, thinking about how much the recipients will like them. But I did notice with Mr L and with Hilda, the lady I went to see before (who died) that they both tend to offer you money quite easily. Not that I take it.


      1. Huge points! Huge! You are inspiring me to do volunteer work. I work near Northwestern Univ. Hospital. I could do a shift, or a visit somewhere. I had a friend recommend the “aids babies” project ? … something like that.

        You hold babies who have AIDS and give them snuggles. You have to get dressed in special gloves and things though. Still, i’m sure it’s a great thing to do.

        I wonder if there are AIDS dogs i could hold. Never mind.

        BTW, Mr. C, my sweet (lonely) dad is coming to LZ (Don’s house) for Thanksgiving (with my brother)!!! How about that!? I am looking forward to spoiling him ROTTEN and showing him all the love he deserves! I don’t think i get points for this (?) as if we believe that’s the point of being decent.

        Don’t get me started. Wait! I want points! (Damn, the human jumped back into my soul)! Fuck it! xoxooxoxxoxoxoxoxo

      2. I think that’d be a lovely thing to do. Any good thing you drop into the universe, makes it a better place..although you already contribute your bit, Mel. It’ll be really nice to spoil your dad, too, we both know he won’t be here for ever. I hereby award you 500 points!


      1. Who knows what you can get away with asking for as you stroke those chestnut waves….

    1. I think it should. It ticks all the boxes – it’s hard, it tastes nasty (not really), and if everybody went vegan, it would wipe out the cruelties of the meat and dairy industries. Mind you, hopefully technology will do that eventually too.


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