The passion. The fury. Too violent for video, too sexy for serials. Coming soon – Flatpacking, the Movie.
Beautiful, tempestuous rom com actress Rose, playing her namesake, runs the full gamut of emotions in this stirring blockbuster….
Taste the Boredom. Does it really take a hundred years for the guy to respond to ‘Customer Assistance in Aisle 101 please’ so Rose can purchase her flatpack desk? Or does it just feel like it?
Smell the Romance. As Rose reaches her home and realise that she has to waltz her flatpack to the door because it weighs about as much as Mitt Romney. It’s also much the same colour (cardboard brown) and similarly featureless.
Experience the Helplessness (possibly learned). Wipe a tear from your eye as Rose and the Flatpack finally realise their love cannot last. ‘It’s no use’ the Flatpack tells her, ‘I can’t love you. I need a REAL man!’
Thrill to Pride, tinged with embarrassment, when the REAL man – in this case Captain Savage – comes over and spends four hours on the floor hunting for Screw B1.
Swell with Irritation when Ms M, for whose delectation this entire performance is staged, interrupts Rose and CS’s tightly focused attempts to attach Item D to Item G to blaspheme, loudly. WHAT!! ‘I was talking to the GAME, mum!’. Oh.
And finally, hear the grateful cries of mothers with babies in prams, as Captain Savage saves the world from disaster yet again – with incredible sangfroid and only a third of a plate of corn chips.
If everybody had a friend like CS, nobody need ever be frightened of a flatpack desk again (but then, CS would a bit overloaded, so back off, ok?).
What emotions do Flatpacks stir in you? Lust? Elation? Uncontrollable psychotic rage maybe?