Random Rose: The Attack of the Flatpacks

The passion. The fury.  Too violent for video, too sexy for serials.  Coming soon – Flatpacking, the Movie.


Beautiful, tempestuous rom com actress Rose, playing her namesake, runs the full gamut of emotions in this stirring blockbuster….

Taste the Boredom.  Does it really take a hundred years for the guy to respond to ‘Customer Assistance in Aisle 101 please’ so Rose can purchase her flatpack desk? Or does it just feel like it?

Smell the Romance. As Rose reaches her home and realise that she has to waltz her flatpack to the door because it weighs about as much as Mitt Romney. It’s also much the same colour (cardboard brown) and similarly featureless.

Experience the Helplessness (possibly learned). Wipe a tear from your eye as Rose and the Flatpack finally realise their love cannot last.  ‘It’s no use’ the Flatpack tells her, ‘I can’t love you.  I need a REAL man!’

Thrill to Pride, tinged with embarrassment,  when the REAL man – in this case Captain Savage – comes over and spends four hours on the floor hunting for Screw B1.

Swell with Irritation when Ms M, for whose delectation this entire performance is staged, interrupts Rose and CS’s tightly focused attempts to attach Item D to Item G to blaspheme, loudly. WHAT!! ‘I was talking to the GAME, mum!’.  Oh.

And finally, hear the grateful cries of mothers with babies in prams, as Captain Savage saves the world from disaster yet again – with incredible sangfroid and only a third of a plate of corn chips.

If everybody had a friend like CS, nobody need ever be frightened of a flatpack desk again (but then, CS would a bit overloaded, so back off, ok?).

What emotions do Flatpacks stir in you? Lust? Elation? Uncontrollable psychotic rage maybe?


  1. OY … must say … not a fan of fantastical movies … but your reviews usually TOP the movies. Go Rooooose! xx

  2. I do not honour ‘flatpacks’… In fact, Rose; I stay well clear of them. They have the uncanny knack of rendering individuals ‘useless’… well… me; that is…
    You can tell I need a CS….. I haven’t one; I will not ask for the use of yours (I do not want to cause any discord) and I haven’t one in sight (except possibly the man sleeping in my bed) however; he appears to have a ‘screw b to item g’ problem too..!
    Solution: Can’t think of one…!

  3. I see flatpacks as an opportunity for family bonding. Hey kids! Let’s spend the evening trying to sort out which panel is A and which is K! Let’s sort the screws into 14 piles! These days they can’t creep away fast enough!

  4. I second Carrie. I had no idea what flatpacks were. But it sounds like Ikea furniture that has to be assembled out of a box. They are frustrating indeed, but what an accomplishment when 95% of it is done right. 😉

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