I’ve reminded everybody how horrible it is to be marching, alone, towards death at an ever-increasing pace, so I think now I’ll remind myself of the joys of being single.
The main joy of being single is…is…
- You can eat messily. For instance, if you’re in a hurry you can shovel spaghetti into your mouth with your face an inch from the plate..or if you want,you can just eat it straight up OFF the plate, no need for those expensive middlemen (forks, spoons, that kind of thing). Not that I do. But I could!
- You can fart. Anywhere, everywhere (well, as long as it’s within your own fence line). Smelly ones, loud ones…the dogs don’t mind, the kids know what side their bread is buttered on and must remain politely silent.
- You can stink up your en-suite. You can also fill it with jars of miracle cream, fifty different kinds of shampoo, and makeup you never wear. Nobody leaves beard scum in the sink (except you).
- You can eat fat stuff. Or weird stuff. Nobody shoots you glowering looks as you hoist another apple pie from the fridge, or calls the mental health helpline when you eat weetbix with lime jelly for dinner. Nobody leaves leaflets about the local gym around, or public health messages urging you to eat your greens. Meanwhile, the possums become very healthy!
(This looks just like the one on MY verandah)
- You can use half your bed as a storage rack, for clothes you can’t be bothered putting away, recent purchases of new kinds of shampoo, and that female condom you got at the politically correct conference you went to last week (just in case).
- You can have dirty habits. Mine are, in no particular order, leaving the dinner plates on the table till just before breakfast (and then giving them to the dogs to lick, before putting them – yes, I’m not THAT disgusting – in the dishwasher), cultivating spiders as the guard dogs of the insect world (better not be a bug in MY house), using guests as a sort of canary to test the safety of the downstairs toilet (um…I think your dog may have…or maybe it was Ms M..), and cleaning the shower mostly by showering in it (works for ME!).
And I ask..WHY am I still single???