The Upside!!!

I’ve reminded everybody how horrible it is to be marching, alone,  towards death at an ever-increasing pace, so I think now I’ll remind myself of the joys of being single.

The main joy of being single is…is…

THIS!

———————————————————————————————-

  • You can eat messily.  For instance, if you’re in a hurry you can shovel spaghetti into your mouth with your face an inch from the plate..or if you want,you can just eat it straight up OFF the plate, no need for those expensive middlemen  (forks, spoons, that kind of thing).  Not that I do.  But I could!
  • You can fart. Anywhere, everywhere (well, as long as it’s within your own fence line).  Smelly ones, loud ones…the dogs don’t mind, the kids know what side their bread is buttered on and must remain politely silent.
  • You can stink up your en-suite. You can also fill it with jars of miracle cream, fifty different kinds of shampoo, and makeup you never wear.  Nobody leaves beard scum in the sink (except you).
  • You can eat fat stuff.  Or weird stuff.   Nobody shoots you glowering looks as you hoist another apple pie from the fridge, or calls the mental health helpline when you eat weetbix with lime jelly for dinner.  Nobody leaves leaflets about the local gym around, or public health messages urging you to eat your greens.  Meanwhile, the possums become very healthy!

(This looks just like the one on MY verandah)

  • You can use half your bed as a storage rack, for clothes you can’t be bothered putting away, recent purchases of new kinds of shampoo, and that female condom you got at the politically correct conference you went to last week (just in case).
  • You can have dirty habits. Mine are, in no particular order, leaving the dinner plates on the table till just before breakfast (and then giving them to the dogs to lick, before putting them – yes, I’m not THAT disgusting – in the dishwasher), cultivating spiders as the guard dogs of the insect world (better not be a bug in MY house), using guests as a sort of canary to test the safety of the downstairs toilet (um…I think your dog may have…or maybe it was Ms M..), and cleaning the shower mostly by showering in it (works for ME!).

And I ask..WHY am I still single???

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35 comments

  1. Cute possum!
    Don’t mean to rain on your parade, so I won’t….
    Had a great laugh, and identified with lots. (Won’t tell you which parts..!)
    Enjoy your freedom, make the most of it, your wish may come true. Then you’ll be telling us about ‘how your freedom was rudely interrupted’…..
    I know, I know; you’re thinking… “I wish, I wish.”

  2. Yes, yes, yes! Laughing out loud here. Being single absolutely has its benefits. My house is definitely tidier when I’ve a man in my life.

    I think the worst part of being single, ironically, is dating. It would be so nice to be able to make the leap from single to part of a perfect couple without the headache of dating in between….

    • Yeah, it’s funny about that, I think lots of people agree that dating is a chore. I think, if I could magically conjure up the perfect situation for me with no side effects, it really would involve three or four uniquely (but differently) talented and attractive men, all devoted to me, revolving through my house, taking me to Things, etc, but not living in it. Oh and of course, assuredly mine till I die. All of them.

  3. I’m sorry, I fell for a LaLa style trap (not sure if you’re following her?) and got stuck at the possum video. SO CUTE!!!

    • that’s ok, the possum on my verandah is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, and often it turns up with a baby clutching onto its back. The dogs don’t like it though and would eat them both up if they could. Fortunately dogs can’t climb trees.

  4. Wow, you’re quite a catch! Truly … if that’s the worst of it … we’re a match!!! Although i’d reach for cheesecake, and i’ve been known to eat ketchup sandwiches with pickle relish. xx

    • Why? Well it COULD be my filthy house and unpleasant personality, but I dunno, plenty of other people have those and still hook up! 🙂
      I’m pretty busy too. But glad to hear you’re enjoying singledom. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, exactly, just that I miss intimacy. I guess I always really liked physical stuff.

  5. I must be incredibly lucky! I’m married, and yet I’m still a slob, a messy eater and farter. I accidentally flashed the Parcel Force guy a few weeks ago and my husband thought it was funny! He laughs at the way I eat Chinese food even though I’m totally disgusting (I’m almost eating with my face in the bowl because I’m crap with chopsticks) and he puts up with my utter fangirlishness concerning Doctor Who.

    The trick is to marry a big kid; then youcan still crack a fart without shame (not that I ever had any of *that* anyway).

    Great post; this really made me smile 🙂

    • A big kid…ok, I’ll go for that. Your husband sounds like a carbuncle! (it’s a kind of jewel, apparently, so a compliment, but if you say it to people, they think it’s a wart – that kind of thing amuses me).

  6. You made me laugh. When my husband leaves town, I tend to eat cold cereal, sing out loud to my favorite songs (badly off key), and do a few of your items on your list. He keeps me in line, for sure. The kids are happy when he returns so mom cooks again.

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