The Karmic Challenge: Week 25: The Return of Guru Fred, as you’ve never seen him before

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage, who is currently attending to his beautiful children and countless mistresses).  A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice.  Preferably armed. Because, let’s face it, if you’ve got surplus karma, why not use it to get rid of one of those pesky enemies!

Today I’ve managed to persuade Guru Fred to come back on the show, for one night only, and do what he does best – preach to the converted.  But during his recent visit to the US to minister to Ke$ha, the Guru has had a transformative experience and is no longer the gentle, loopy person we knew and loved.  Yes, he’s joined the Church of Latter Day Buddhism  and he’d like to talk about…HELL.  So I’ll just get out of his way and –

Father Fred: Good evening SINNERS!

I guess you all think there’s a tunnel of light waiting for you out there, with an ineffable being on the other side, holding out his arms in welcome.  Or a lotus pad you can call your own, held afloat by buddhisatvas amid the gentle thrum of sitars.  Or fifty hot virgins super keen to lose the damn thing.  Or.maybe you’ll just turn to dust, gently settling into the great musty carpet of life?


Train to Hell – with all credit to Fire Twirling Pictures.


Take a good friend of mine. Let’s call him Gupta.  Ate roast lamb every Sunday. Now he’s dead. Know where he is now?  He’s on a boat to Bahrain. With 60,000 other sheep.  ‘But I’m not a sheep, I’m Gupta!’ he cries.  TOO LATE, Gupta. You’re a sheep now, and the Middle East aint no place for your sort!  Watch the video.  On second thoughts, don’t – you’re in it.

Or my concubine disciple, Juanita.  SHE was scared of spiders.  ‘Just put them outside, my dear’ I used to admonish her.  But would she listen?  WOULD SHE HELL! Where is she now?  Travelling up a vacuum cleaner at high speed towards a dusty annihilation amid cat hairs and carpet mites!  Help! she calls. I was only a YOUNG spider!  I had my whole spider life to live!  I am an innocent creature, free from sin!

But I say NO.  Juanita, I tell you – though you’re now a spider and might not understand my exact words, I’m sure you’ll get the gist – I tell you that even as a spider, you TOO have brought pain into this world.  Did not that fly you ate yesterday have a family? A wife and several million children, with bright, dung-filled futures ahead of them?

Mummy and baby spiders!


The time will come when you will live the pain of that fly, that sheep, that spider, that calf calling for its mum while it’s being hauled off to have its throat cut on an abattoir floor.  And that, my friends, will be HELL!!!

Awful advertisement flashes on multiple screens, depicting unborn calves being ripped from their mums’ stomachs.  Audience collectively has to visit the portaloos.

Thank you so much, Father Fred, that was..stimulating.  Do come again soon!

No really though, wouldn’t it be awful if he was right? (then again, if two thirds of the world’s population are right, I’m down for some kind of hell or other, so perhaps it doesn’t matter if I eat lamb.)  What should we all do, as humans, as followers of one or another merciful god, about suffering?  And yes, that’s right, this IS designed to divert attention from me having zero points this week.


  1. My favourite take on the hereafter was in an episode of St Elsewhere. A surgeon who had sort of caused a lot o deaths was fighting for his life and he went on a journey, and met a lot of former patients. Heaven was a garden partywhere he met god, as himself. Of course, because he was made in his own image. He asked why god hadn’t done a better job on his nose. I have no idea what is out there. I just dn’t get the reincarnation/resurrection stuff – the maths is too horrific to deal with. Where would they all fit?

  2. “Travelling up a vacuum cleaner at high speed towards a dusty annihilation amid cat hairs and carpet mites!”
    Loved that description, Rose, and so many others throughout the post… a great read..!
    Love Guru Fred – a wholesome name for a wholesome bloke… 🙂

  3. I’ll be travelling up a vacuum cleaner at high speed for sure! Thanks, Guru Fred, for making me feel even guiltier about my nefarious treatment of spiders!

    1. He’s just in that kind of mood. Guru Fred will be tossed between ex concubines like a sack of flour screeching ‘I thought free love meant something to you!’.


  4. Hey ! I thought Karma was a candy , you know that soft chewy stuff , Oh well there goes desert down the whoops ! Your too funny . PS; I hate spiders

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