A Chip off the Old Blog, or, the Little Known True History of Mary Queen of Scots

A Chip off the Old Block

Long long ago and far away, in a little known twist of history, Mary Queen of Scots sat awaiting her execution, ordered by her wicked (but sexy) cousin Elizabeth of England.

Meanwhile, in the courtyard, the Headsman was getting out his old block.

“Methinks this block is chipped,” quoth he, “I must needs make a new one, with which to cut off this queenly head. For it would not be meet to lop a royal head with a chipped block.”

Just then, the Lady Rose, Lady in Waiting to Queen Mary, bustled in officiously.

Why is it so?” she asked. “Old block or new block, I doubt the Queen will notice, in the circumstances.  Especially not when there is a bloody Disconnection between her head and her poor body!”

“This is strange, Lady Rose,” answered the Headsman, “Do you wish to hurry the death of your good Queen, then? How say you in this Fashion? A good Headsman takes no Shortcuts, I will have you know!”

“I was Unaware, my good man, that you were so sympathetic to the poor lady,” saith Lady Rose, raising her prodigiously arched eyebrows.

“I do not think you understand my plight, Mistress. To be a Headsman is among the most Stressful (of) Jobs.  In short, I shrink from my awful duty!”

And with that, the Headsman sat down and began to cry.

“My good fellow,” Lady Rose comforted him patronisingly, “Weep not. For I have a cunning plan.  Instead of the Queen, why do you not behead a pumpkin? For, dressed in the Queen’s voluminous hairpiece, no one will ever know the difference!”

So the Headsman did as  Lady Rose had suggested, and then, since he was hale of limb and long of loin, Queen Mary elected to escape with him to his forest hut, where she lived happily, and quietly, ever after.

“For I am Queen no longer,” she said, “From now on, the Hair Rules. I shall now Live the Good Life – Dead to all the world but thee.”

Queen Elizabeth, under the impression that the round thing with the unlikely looking frizzy blonde wig was in fact her cousin’s severed head, ruled on in happy ignorance for the rest of her years.

WHY READ THIS? Are you wondering what the point of this story is? Well, it is to accept an INSPIRATIONAL BLOG AWARD from…ACHIPOFFTHEOLD BLOG.

I’m assuming the rules require that I have to say what inspires me – and who better to tell you than the Lady Rose….

  1. My daughter, the Lady M.  For she maketh me laugh many an evening, and is wondrous kind.  Forsooth, she will make a beauteous maid when grown.
  2. My son, Lord F.  For he is keen of wit and knoweth all manner of things both of heaven and of earth, and is fair studious besides.  Also, he hath promised me a mansion of mine own when age comes upon me, with attendants to see to my every whim.  For which I call him a sweet and dutiful son.
  3. My ex-truelove Sir Simon the Good.  He is a knight of pure heart and noble intentions, who also looketh well after his mother and doth tread in honourable paths.  Also, he acteth like unto a man grown, as so many of the male persuasion do not.
  4. My friend the noble Captain Savage, whose courage is beyond that of all men.
  5. My beloved mother and father, who, though sadly no longer of this world, are goodly folk and true, and loved me well.

And now, I must pass on this golden chalice, this high reward!  I therefore name these men and women, Bearers of the Inspirational Blog Award, and may they carry it henceforward proudly as befits True Bloggers.

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30 comments

  1. I’ve always loved the story of Mary Queen of Scots, which I suppose is a bit macabre of me. And now I have a new tale to love. Thanks for a fun read!

    • Yeah, in actual fact, poor mary got her head cut off and Queen Elizabeth lived happily ever after, secure on the throne because her scheming cousin was dead. But, I like this version better.

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      • Yep! Though I think every other place which has had royalty, has seen a lot of the poor things killed off, too. For instance it used to be the practice in the Ottoman empire I think for the new sultan to have all his brothers murdered as soon as he got on the throne, so none of them could challenge him for it. Who’d be royal, huh!

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  2. Rose, thanks for the kindly words, O nimium mihi videtur talis Rosa, intimo animo gratias, and I know your Latin is probably a bit rusty, but I really appreciate your kind words xox

  3. Bravo! I so enjoyed this. I am a huge fan of the pre-twentieth British-Speak, and I beg you get an “A” Lady Butimbeautiful. There were so many satisfying little phrases in this that I absolutely adored such as:

    in a little known twist of history

    bustled in officiously

    hale of limb and long of loin

    raising her prodigiously arched eyebrows

    This post sparkles! 😀

  4. Thanks for the nomination! You definitely have a way with words. Now about that nunnery…you’d have to catch me first before I step one foot in one :o)

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