The Karmic Challenge – Week 18’s Psychic Sidekick

Last week I asked my personal guru, Guru Fred, to deliver an inspirational lecture to the waiting masses, but since he’s busy this week attending to Ke$ha’s spiritual needs, I thought I would ask my dear friend and consultant psychic MADAME SPUTNIK onto the KARMIC CHALLENGE REALITY SHOW, just for this week.  She’s, um, kind of like Dr Phil, but with more cleavage.

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Rose: Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Madame Sputnik! Mwa! Mwa! (that’s the noise of air kisses, in case you didn’t know)

Madame Sputnik (throatily): Not at all, darlink!

Rose: Now, I have a little problem I’d like to run by you, if I might.  The thing is, although I’ve been trying very hard to be good, I have to admit that there is a darkness in my soul! At night, when I lay my head upon my pillow (and in the morning on the way to work, also at the shops, dog walking, anytime I hear his name, and on, well, lots of other occasions) I find myself daydreaming about the Demon Ex, and wishing him all manner of ill things.  And when I do this, I feel a flood of horrible emotions, rather like an overflowing dunny – rage, disgust, contempt, shame, and many others which I’m too aspergic to identify (but for the record they don’t include love).  Now Madame Sputnik – do you mind if I call you Esmeralda? – anyway, these are horrible thoughts and feelings, and I hate to have them in my head.  Who will rid me of this turbulent priest! I mean, how the hell do I get rid of this crap?

Madame Sputnik: Ah, darlink, I too have felt passion, I too have been betrayed by my loveerrrr!  Alas, he is now buried in my garden in Prague!  But in the words of the great Piaf, je ne regrette rien!

Rose: But I do regrette, a lot. I wish I’d never met the fucker.

Madame Sputnik: Yes darlink, but sometimes, these theengs happen for a reason.  Perhaps this wicked man was sent to you to teach you sometheeng you needed to know in your life, to show you a side of yourself you did not see before, ja?

Rose: Like what? I’m the good guy here!!

Madame Sputnik: Look into your soul, my child.  What do you see there? Have you not been deceitful?  Oui, I thought so..  And unfaithful, many times?  Ah, yes – I see it in your aura – urf!  And cruel? Have not the hopes of many good men been dashed upon your cold and stony heart!  And are you not also – how you say in Eeenglish – intellectually arrogant, egocentric, thoughtless, vain!  No?

Rose: Listen Esmeralda, I didn’t invite you onto this show to –

Madame Sputnik (lifting a beringed finger): Do not interrupt!  You know I speak the truth! You and your loverrrr – were not so different, no? But NOW?  I see before me a Nicer Person.  You do not do these wicked theengs – well, perhaps sometimes, but not so much, alors! You haf suffered..and you have learnt!  You haf cast these sins away from you – like the Engleesh cast out their tea leaves upon the begonias!

Rose: I guess.  So about the darkness…

Madame Sputnik: He who understands all, forgives all.  To free yourself – you must forgive, darlink! You must forgive with all your heart, and wish heem well.  Only then will your aura turn from puke green to zee shining sunny yellow coleur which will look so much better with your curtains and decor, non?

Rose: Alright – it’s a deal. I’ll forgive him.  Thanks EVER so much, Esmeralda, that’s been very interesting. And now –

Madame Sputnik: Of course. Do not mention it. And (turning to audience) darlinks, if you wish to come and see me privately, in regard to any little matter of the heart, there are many even more interesting things that you may learn.  I accept both Visa and Mastercard naturally.

And Rose, about the leetle matter of the missing moisturiser, I can tell you that yes, your most recent affaire has stolen it and has it now in his own boudoir, making his skeen as soft as velvet..mmmmm….I know thees through my psychic power!

Au revoir, darlinks! I will return!!! (sweeps out, blowing kisses at audience)  Mwa! Mwa!

Rose: And there you have it! Ok, f*** it, I WILL forgive heem.  I mean him.

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About turnipsforbreakfast

Rose has two blogs, www.butimbeautiful.wordpress.com, and www.turnipsforbreakfast.wordpress.com. Enjoy!
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29 Responses to The Karmic Challenge – Week 18’s Psychic Sidekick

  1. My ex-husband moved in with my uncle’s stepdaughter a few years after we split. She returned home from work one evening to find his van, clothes and some bedding all gone – no explanation at all. The police found him somewhere on the coast but he won’t even let them tell his mother where he is.

    Poor B was, obviously, distraught – so I try to cheer her up by telling her he’s probably under a bridge scaring random children and billy goats, because that’s all that stupid trolls are good for 😀

    • Oh, well, some people are troubled, and really they trouble themselves more than they do anyone else, mostly (although perhaps mothers would be an exception to that). Your poor relative! I like somebody’s maxim on a blog I read recently ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than..(and here I paraphrase) to still have to put up with the stupid arsehole’.

  2. iamnotshe says:

    You could write movies or plays! Your talent is, as you say, marvelous! Oui?

    As for the fucker … i wish these exes just blew through the transom of the mind (well, you have way too many brains for anything to blow threw it) … HEY … maybe that’s the problem. Empty your head, Rose!!! Wait, ok, i see too many puns happening here. DON’T empty your head, and don’t do yoga. Neither will work.

    I recommend more dogs. ahhhhhhhh. Many men have nice personality traits, or interesting fact-filled, talented brains, but if their hear and soul are dishonest, lack integrity, and treat you badly … they are bad!!!!!!!!!!

    Unfortunately that doesn’t keep us from crying our eyes out and wishing a huge city bus won’t run them over (OH, so accidentally).

    I’d say your Karma points are outweighing the secret thoughts of retribution you may have against MEAN GUY!

    xo

    PS Why would he be mean to YOU?

  3. iamnotshe says:

    HEART, not hear … if they have no heart …. God, i can’t spell!

  4. Capt. Savage says:

    Love it, I’m going to start saving these characters for this new, bound to be totally successful, TV series I’m going to steal, sorry write soon. And forgive the Demon Ex, god hope not, sorry Madame Sputnit, that will be the end of some of Rose’s best material… Now that’s off my chest, I’m going to sit back down in my big lounge chair, get that goldfinger look on my face, stroke my pussy, and dream of world domination, CS

    • iamnotshe says:

      OK, i’m visiting you next CS. REALLY … are you sure Rose should hold onto Ex Mean Man? Passion IS a great motivator, erm … or is it passion is Good, and fear is a good motivator?

      How’s that world domination going? Can Rose and i get jobs in your regime?

  5. kingmidget says:

    Why must we all have demon ex’s? Well done. For years, I referred to mine as my ex-psycho girlfriend from hell. A few years ago, I was holding on to anger that I had to let go. I started referring to her by name then, forgave her, and finally moved on. It was all me at that point.
    By the way, you asked me several times to tell my readers about my books. Not sure if you ever saw my post on my books … so, here you go…http://kingmidgetramblings.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/my-books/

    • Thanks for that. Yeah, I think you’re right, it’s the only way you can let go and move on, it’s not about THEM. I’ll follow your link – though you COULD stick it on the sidebar, then it’d always be there no matter what post we were reading. Perhaps it is already and I missed it though, I’m like that.

      • kingmidget says:

        I should have some type of sidebar about the books. I also have a website … markpaxson.com that represents my initial and minimal efforts in that area. I find myself focusing more on my blog than on the book site, however. Thanks for the recommendation. Adding to my list of things to do

      • Just what you needed, huh.

      • kingmidget says:

        Exactly … by the way, what part of Australia are you in? We have had two Australian students visit us the past couple of years as part of a program where they come here in January … go to Disneyland, go to San Francisco, and spent about 10-12 days with an American family. Both kids were great to have and having them here opened our eyes to Australia.

  6. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I loved the humor in this!

  7. Though I’m all about forgiveness and moving on, I think I’m with Captain Savage on this one. Too much good material comes from your Demon Ex stories! I like you intellectually arrogant, thoughtless and vain, and seething with anger at that man who done you wrong!

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    I think we all need a Madame Sputnik in our lives. 🙂

    • Well, like she said, cross her palm with a credit card and she’s yours.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        By the way, I just started reading “A Warm Wind.” Kindle tells me I’m only 12% finished, but I’m loving it so far. Really honest and raw. My blog post tomorrow is on books by bloggers that I’ve read. I added yours at the very bottom since I’ve just started it, but I didn’t link to your site (though I linked to the book on Amazon), because I didn’t know if you’d want me to do that, since you use a different name. I can add the link to this blog later if you give me permission. But I’m really enjoying it. 🙂

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Your reply went to my email inbox, but I wanted to respond. It’s just my usual humor–nothing special. But I only added a simple sentence that I’m reading “A Warm Wind.” No critique since I just started it (though the post isn’t about critiquing–I don’t take things so seriously. It’s just all in fun. 🙂 )

  9. That was amazingly witty…. I love Madame Sputneek’s thoughtful understandeengs…. and would cross her palm for them….
    I thought this was her best advice:
    Only then will your aura turn from puke green to zee shining sunny yellow coleur which will look so much better with your curtains and decor, non?
    (So that’s why I have green curtainz?)

  10. Quite humourous and tres entertaining.

  11. Seb says:

    Heh. She make beeeg trouble for moose und squirrel.

  12. El Guapo says:

    Interesting side note – Mwa is also the sound of evil internet laughter – Mwa ha ha…
    And actions speak louder than words. If you’re out doing the good karma-building deeds while thinking bad thoughts about demon ex, then more power to you!
    Hope you can exorcise him soon.

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