Last week I asked my personal guru, Guru Fred, to deliver an inspirational lecture to the waiting masses, but since he’s busy this week attending to Ke$ha’s spiritual needs, I thought I would ask my dear friend and consultant psychic MADAME SPUTNIK onto the KARMIC CHALLENGE REALITY SHOW, just for this week. She’s, um, kind of like Dr Phil, but with more cleavage.
Rose: Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Madame Sputnik! Mwa! Mwa! (that’s the noise of air kisses, in case you didn’t know)
Madame Sputnik (throatily): Not at all, darlink!
Rose: Now, I have a little problem I’d like to run by you, if I might. The thing is, although I’ve been trying very hard to be good, I have to admit that there is a darkness in my soul! At night, when I lay my head upon my pillow (and in the morning on the way to work, also at the shops, dog walking, anytime I hear his name, and on, well, lots of other occasions) I find myself daydreaming about the Demon Ex, and wishing him all manner of ill things. And when I do this, I feel a flood of horrible emotions, rather like an overflowing dunny – rage, disgust, contempt, shame, and many others which I’m too aspergic to identify (but for the record they don’t include love). Now Madame Sputnik – do you mind if I call you Esmeralda? – anyway, these are horrible thoughts and feelings, and I hate to have them in my head. Who will rid me of this turbulent priest! I mean, how the hell do I get rid of this crap?
Madame Sputnik: Ah, darlink, I too have felt passion, I too have been betrayed by my loveerrrr! Alas, he is now buried in my garden in Prague! But in the words of the great Piaf, je ne regrette rien!
Rose: But I do regrette, a lot. I wish I’d never met the fucker.
Madame Sputnik: Yes darlink, but sometimes, these theengs happen for a reason. Perhaps this wicked man was sent to you to teach you sometheeng you needed to know in your life, to show you a side of yourself you did not see before, ja?
Rose: Like what? I’m the good guy here!!
Madame Sputnik: Look into your soul, my child. What do you see there? Have you not been deceitful? Oui, I thought so.. And unfaithful, many times? Ah, yes – I see it in your aura – urf! And cruel? Have not the hopes of many good men been dashed upon your cold and stony heart! And are you not also – how you say in Eeenglish – intellectually arrogant, egocentric, thoughtless, vain! No?
Rose: Listen Esmeralda, I didn’t invite you onto this show to –
Madame Sputnik (lifting a beringed finger): Do not interrupt! You know I speak the truth! You and your loverrrr – were not so different, no? But NOW? I see before me a Nicer Person. You do not do these wicked theengs – well, perhaps sometimes, but not so much, alors! You haf suffered..and you have learnt! You haf cast these sins away from you – like the Engleesh cast out their tea leaves upon the begonias!
Rose: I guess. So about the darkness…
Madame Sputnik: He who understands all, forgives all. To free yourself – you must forgive, darlink! You must forgive with all your heart, and wish heem well. Only then will your aura turn from puke green to zee shining sunny yellow coleur which will look so much better with your curtains and decor, non?
Rose: Alright – it’s a deal. I’ll forgive him. Thanks EVER so much, Esmeralda, that’s been very interesting. And now –
Madame Sputnik: Of course. Do not mention it. And (turning to audience) darlinks, if you wish to come and see me privately, in regard to any little matter of the heart, there are many even more interesting things that you may learn. I accept both Visa and Mastercard naturally.
And Rose, about the leetle matter of the missing moisturiser, I can tell you that yes, your most recent affaire has stolen it and has it now in his own boudoir, making his skeen as soft as velvet..mmmmm….I know thees through my psychic power!
Au revoir, darlinks! I will return!!! (sweeps out, blowing kisses at audience) Mwa! Mwa!
Rose: And there you have it! Ok, f*** it, I WILL forgive heem. I mean him.