Why I decided not to run out naked into the street tonight


I was brooding last night.  Things just didn’t seem right.  I have this theory that when things are just not right, for me, they are just not right for EVERYBODY.  As if a miasma has slid into our universe and leached a little poison into every creature’s life – babies cry, people fart in lifts, old people drop their priceless china cups…

Anyway I was thinking (again!) about the Demon Ex and why the hell I AM thinking about the Demon Ex, after all he’s pretty much on a par with Troy now in terms of ‘happeningness’  – and then I had one of my Epiphanies.

This is when you’re daydreaming/nightmaring away, and suddenly you sit up and think ‘THAT’S IT!!’ and if you’re Archimedes you run out into the street nude and shout Eureka!, and if you’re me you just lie down again and think, I’ll blog about that tomorrow, it’s too cold to be nude in the street tonight (about zero, I think).

And here it is.  What bothers me is not what others DO to me, it is the fact that I let them do it.  I’m ashamed. I’m humiliated.  I’m diminished.  In some small way, I’ve been abused and violated.  And THAT’s why I can’t seem to quite forgive and forget.  The more I let someone grind me into the mud, the more I hate – me – and therefore them.

But there’s a good side to this.  It struck me that what we want most of all is to be proud of ourselves.  We adore someone who can make us feel good in our own eyes, who can reflect back to us our true beauty.

I’m not that person (except, perhaps, when I’m in love).  I’m a critic, an analyst, I see flaws, not beauty spots.  That’s ok, our kind  is useful and necessary – but not particularly popular.

The trick is to be able to reflect beauty but also truth.  The Demon Ex was popular precisely because he had the ability to make others see themselves as important and interesting – but he was hated too because the recipients realised sooner or later that he was reflecting a lie – that what he looked for in their eyes was only an image of his own glory.  He was an absorber of light, not a giver of it.

Maybe I can learn to give a little light (when I’m not too busy thinking how stupid you are or how you ought not to wear that colour or how AMAZINGLY dorky James Taylor looks in this video!!!! I mean, that outfit! Really?).




  1. This is an awesome post, Rose. Kicked me in the ass and woke me up (metaphorically) this morning. Thanks!

  2. Rose, can’t you think of a more catchy lead????? I still think your nightmare, epiphany deserved a little neighborhood flash!!! Zero, jeeesh … get naked and scream you nutty girl.

    God, is that me? I seem to see goodness in most people … course the ones who piss me off get a load of crap dumped at their door, and usually legal threats. Hmmmm, i guess maybe i’m not like evil Mr X. I can’t live in “goody” land forever.

    This guy is a player (sounds like). What a creep. I wish i could scare the begeebees out of him. I can be a little Demon when asked!

    Rose, i hate to inform you of this … but you are actually a good person, why would you care about karma, (wait rethinking this).

    Seriously, you are good. You are honest about seeing flaws and mistakes. I’m the same way … i usually take all my shit out on myself. So, by and by, it all evens out, right?

    This i know … you did nothing wrong with Mr. X … his shit is all on him. You are perfect as you. Who else can you be perfect at? x

    1. I know I’m ok, I know I didn’t do anything. But (without being disrespectful to rape victims, who obviously have suffered things way off the scale of anything I ever will) I sort of identify a bit with what they say they feel – that somehow, I feel that the dirt is on me. I sometimes used to think about suicide (not seriously), but my reasoning went something like, if I’m the sort of person that THIS can be done to, why am I still here, I don’t belong here? And deep down, I still feel that. And yeah, looking at your picture and reading your stuff, I can see you’re a natural supporter of people, which is a lovely way to be, and genuine too. I really am a natural critic, I need to work on my supportive side – you can be my role model maybe! one of them, anyway.

  3. I’ve got an idea, I’ll sign up for that plasticination thing (it’s this thing where you donate your body to science and a weird German guy fills you with goop so you don’t decay and then puts you on show in a glass box, complete with desiccated genitalia). If you’re lucky, you can go on his show naked BEFORE you’re dead, so he can point out your general state of about-to-be-decay.

  4. Hey, anyone who can crank out tunes like JT can wear whatever the hell he likes!

    It’s terrible to be fooled/used by someone like that, but it’s a tribute to you and your character that you realized it, got out, and moved on.

  5. Perhaps one way to stifle the critic is to learn to run naked in the street. We forgive transgressions in others no more than ourselves. Plus naked goosebumpy photos are great for blog traffic. Heh.

  6. I agree that James Taylor’s music is classic, but when did someone who used to be soon cool looking become ever so slightly nerd-like. There is hope for me yet, maybe everyone will be nerdy soon…

  7. My mother used to say to me, “No one can make you feel anything,” if I’d say, “Oh, she makes me so mad,” or “he makes me feel like crying.” She said, “Only YOU can make yourself feel these things. It’s how you choose to react that makes you feel a certain way.” Easier said than done, but it makes a good point, as you do with this post. 🙂

    1. I think I’ve had people say that to me too, but I don’t believe it. It’d be nice – but the reality is, you react to the way the world is, you can’t disassociate yourself from what’s around you – or, only partly. Not that is unless you’re a yogi. But thanks for the thought – it’s a good one!

      1. I agree. It’s hard to dissociate unless one is void of emotion. But it does get easier as one gets older to recognize with whom the problem lies. 🙂

  8. My Demon Ex is the same way!! He is so charming at first and charismatic, so everyone loves him, and can’t figure out why I “let him go” Then the fangs come out and people figure out who he is…. This is especially hard for my kids. People at school do the “your dad is awesome” and the kids just smile and say “yep” and then silently wait for fangs….

    Love this post!

    1. Does your ex have serious self esteem problems? Mine does. He sort of doesn’t exist unless someone’s clapping. It must be hard when your kids realise just how awful their dad is – do they love him despite his faults? or, not really. My ex’s kids aren’t keen on him – which is sad. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts – it’s nice when I realise I’m not alone in this.

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