I was brooding last night. Things just didn’t seem right. I have this theory that when things are just not right, for me, they are just not right for EVERYBODY. As if a miasma has slid into our universe and leached a little poison into every creature’s life – babies cry, people fart in lifts, old people drop their priceless china cups…
Anyway I was thinking (again!) about the Demon Ex and why the hell I AM thinking about the Demon Ex, after all he’s pretty much on a par with Troy now in terms of ‘happeningness’ – and then I had one of my Epiphanies.
This is when you’re daydreaming/nightmaring away, and suddenly you sit up and think ‘THAT’S IT!!’ and if you’re Archimedes you run out into the street nude and shout Eureka!, and if you’re me you just lie down again and think, I’ll blog about that tomorrow, it’s too cold to be nude in the street tonight (about zero, I think).
And here it is. What bothers me is not what others DO to me, it is the fact that I let them do it. I’m ashamed. I’m humiliated. I’m diminished. In some small way, I’ve been abused and violated. And THAT’s why I can’t seem to quite forgive and forget. The more I let someone grind me into the mud, the more I hate – me – and therefore them.
But there’s a good side to this. It struck me that what we want most of all is to be proud of ourselves. We adore someone who can make us feel good in our own eyes, who can reflect back to us our true beauty.
I’m not that person (except, perhaps, when I’m in love). I’m a critic, an analyst, I see flaws, not beauty spots. That’s ok, our kind is useful and necessary – but not particularly popular.
The trick is to be able to reflect beauty but also truth. The Demon Ex was popular precisely because he had the ability to make others see themselves as important and interesting – but he was hated too because the recipients realised sooner or later that he was reflecting a lie – that what he looked for in their eyes was only an image of his own glory. He was an absorber of light, not a giver of it.
Maybe I can learn to give a little light (when I’m not too busy thinking how stupid you are or how you ought not to wear that colour or how AMAZINGLY dorky James Taylor looks in this video!!!! I mean, that outfit! Really?).