Who do I want to be?

A cursory look around tells us that the good are often kicked to the curb while the bad whoop it up in sumptious retirement villas on the Cote d’Azur.

I don’t believe in rewards and punishments, heaven and hell, or the seven planes of existence, but I do believe that I become what I do.

So the question for me is, who do I want to become?  It doesn’t matter if I’m down in the cellar eating shit or up in the penthouse producing it – wherever I am, I’m with myself.  Am I the sort of person I want to be with, all of the time, everywhere I go, for the rest of my life?  The choice is always mine.

As the Buddha says, you can lead me to a field full of asparagus but you can’t make me eat it.  It’s a little known fact that the Buddha and me share a morbid fear of asparagus.

If every time we put out crap, we got uglier, and every time we added value to the world, we got better looking, there’d be swarms of would-be do-gooders lining up to be nice.  And yet, that IS what happens – except it’s on the inside, and that doesn’t show (or count?).

On that subject, take Buddha, the artist formerly known as Prince Siddhartha Gautama. He left his wife and young son to take up a quest for spiritual fulfilment. I wonder how the kid felt about that? Suppose I left my kids to go off and find the meaning of life? They’d be gutted.  So what kind of person did that make Buddha? Oh well, guess that’s why I’m not a Buddhist.


  1. I think a mirror is a pretty useful device, into it each day reveals to me that it’s never anyone else I see, it’s always me! So while I do see aspects of others that I want to model myself on when their image intrudes into my mirror like view, it’s always just me that I see first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

    Do I want to reinvent myself as someone else, a better nicer smarter me? No not really!!! That’s not to say that there aren’t things about me that I find frustrating and sometimes disappointing, I wouldn’t be human if I thought I was perfect (although some people do seem to feel that way).

    As far as you go Rose, you’re most endearing to me personally when you are being honest, being you, not putting on a front or trying to be that other ‘better’ person.

    By the way, Buddha is not the inspiration of my own Karmic Challenge, no, its my own holy trinity namely, me-myself-I, nobody else. And in the final analysis, whilst other peoples opinions matter to me, the only person who really does is me. True happiness starts from learning to love yourself, not learning to live by other people’s opinions of you.

    So Rose, do what you want to do? What makes you happy? and if like me, part of that journey is trying not to inflict pain on others (human and other things), then do that.

    Not saying that I don’t value other people’s views, because our society is shaped by social norms, conventions, standards, they all form part of who I am, what I believe in. But for me in the final analysis, it’s all about the mirror and do I like what I see! And by the mirror I don’t just mean my physical exterior, I me the inner me, the me that really counts to me. That is the person who I want other people to like me for, because being me is all I want to be!!!



    1. Having seen someone turn themselves, lie by lie, into someone they couldn’t like, and had to hide from others because they knew others wouldn’t like them either, once seen – I know the importance of understanding that your acts make you who you are, so you need to consider your acts, in that light. If you see what I mean. But you’re a good person and your acts are good, you don’t have much to worry about, Captain Savage! I’m an ok person too but yes I want to get better, complacency is stagnation, for me. But not to turn into some kind of creepy goody-goody, no. Just to become a better me.

  2. Very wise post Rose, from my experience I have seen that if you live a life as per your conscience’s dictum you live a peaceful life and that glows all around you unless some psycho/s get a fancy on you and try to rob you off that content.

    i have read somewhere and have heard from some demons live that they think they are doing society service by dragging people in the murkiest slime of society, why? because they are paying them money in return of their souls.

    they too move around with a smug expression, but sooner or later their acts catch up and they start looking like the demons they are, whereas those who live a good life reap their benefits in other means, sooner or later they realize that God is supporting them in one way or other.

    This is my personal experience and opinion.

    1. I agree with you. What does it profit you if you gain the world and lose your soul – doesn’t the quote go something like that? Though, I’m not sure what you mean about demons – can you clarify, as I’m curious about who you mean?

      1. by demons i mean human beings who are worse than demons. have had the curse of meeting too many of them.

        it absolutely transformed my life, it threw me in a living hell then i was set free by God. The moment i realized that she has been walking through it, saving me, helping me every thing changed.

        to know more read the page Honey Trap in my blog if you have plenty, plenty of time and patience.

  3. Up in the Penthouse making shit would be preferable. You can always change your mind and make something nice, but when you’re in the basement eating shit your options are decidedly fewer.

    1. It’s true anybody would rather be in the penthouse – but the analogy is kind of like this. If you’re made of shit, it doesn’t matter where you go, you’ll still smell of shit, taste of shit, look like shit and for all intents and purposes, BE a shit. So for less shit in your life, do less shit. Kind of faecally focussed, but you get my drift…

  4. Yup. Who do you want to be is the big question.
    From the little I know about you, you seem to be someone with a sense of moral outrage at things that deserve and a wicked sense of humor.
    Good place to start…
    (and hope that isn’t out of line, with sincere apologies if it is!)

      1. I don’t normally associate myself with ‘outrage’ but when I think about it, yeah I guess! I’m still an idealist and very passionate – if the rational side was a bit less and I’d been brought up by 7th Day Adventists, I’d probably be appearing at people’s doors in a knee length navy skirt with ‘Good News’!!!

    1. I was thinking a lot about that. I get outraged about some things. Like, this person who dropped his old dog off to the pound to die alone, what kind of a shit does that? But it’s more that I have a passionate, you might almost say religious, belief in a particular view of ethics, more than indignation in general. Put simply, if you behave like a shit, you become a shit, and attract shittiness in your life – I don’t think I’ve ever met a happy ‘bad’ person. Excuses like ‘this is the way I am’, ‘everyone does it’, ‘I can’t help it’, ‘if I didn’t do it someone else would’ – they’re for little kids, adults should take responsibility…including moi. But also, I just think it would be fun to shake things up a bit, in my life, just do things differently. Hell, I’ve only got another 30 years or so allotted span, and they go quick!

  5. Loved this post, Rose. So many things I’d like to say, but I’m tired and lazy and it’s Saturday night. Especially like the idea of getting uglier as we act ugly. Sometimes I think that shows in a person’s “frown-face”, how uglily we can screw up our faces at the idea of something like a dirty swimming pool, or how a high and mighty person might react to getting less than star treatment, or having to meet an “unimportant” person. Don’t you suppose some “beautiful people” work on that though in front of the mirror? Or is that what Botox is for?

    And I think, since we put out crap and put out smell and put out saliva and phlegm and whatnot, we have a duty to also put out beauty, in art (writing, for some of us, I suppose), or work, or kindness, or raising the future generation, or whatever; we must create beauty as well as shit.
    OK so I had something to say after all.

    1. I had a horribly ugly mother in law who got her face exactly that way. And before anyone thinks that’s just because she was the dreaded MIL, even my ex-husband didn’t like her.

  6. You know what I love about your writing? That halfway through a piece, you’ll throw in a line like, “It’s a little known fact that the Buddha and me share a morbid fear of asparagus.” And I’m howling with laughter!

  7. It takes guts to admit to this fact and sincerity to write it down as well.

    Most of our daily conversation is centered around others and things around us. Some of us shamefully want to be the producers, lords, and all the ‘titles’ worth taking, but no one wants to look at life from the other pov. That’s not possible. Life is two-phased.

    I really enjoyed this post.

  8. There’s a good movie called Samsara which touches on the Buddhist wife. His son Ananda became one of his disciples and converted Sri Lanka to the faith. So I guess he didn’t resent his old dad that much.

    1. I think I watched that – where the monk gets off with the Tibetan girl and she’s really pissed when he takes off back to the cave. And there’s an Indian woman who does sex hanging off a ropey thing – the mind boggles. You’re right, Ananda probably didn’t care that much, but – and here goes sexist – that was because he was a DAD. Some (most nowadays?) dads are as loved and necessary as mums, but mum is the primal carer really, she’s the one they really really miss. ?

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