The Oldest Drug Fiend!

My best friend Captain Savage writes about the difficulties of getting old and his mum’s Alzheimers.  I reckon I’ve been thinking about getting old ever since I was, what, twenty? It never hurts to plan!

My vision is that I’ll have a little flat on my daughter’s country estate.  On this estate, there will be all manner of cuddly animals, and I’ll sit on my rocking chair on the verandah patting the goats and dogs and cats and guinea pigs and sheep and…you get the picture, and sipping lemonade.

If I do go dotty (and I already am, a bit) it won’t matter too much, cause I’ve always enjoyed brainless pleasures like the sun on my back and mud on my feet and looking at grass and birds and ants and flowers and eating chocolate. I probably won’t get too worried about who I am and where home is and who is that strange woman with the small children hanging around, because I live in the moment now and I probably will when I’m old too.

On the other mum is 91 and not having the best of times.  Life is boring and painful, and she misses my dad, who died a decade ago. She’s still got plenty of marbles but not her sight or hearing and she can’t go for a walk because of arthritis (and recently it’s got even worse than that – but I won’t go into that now).

Every time I visit her she says she’d rather be dead (she’s a pretty cheerful would-be suicide, mind you).  Taking note of all this, I asked a nurse friend the other day HOW one could off oneself, if the need arose – and filed the answer away just in case I ever need it (for me, obviously, not for mum).

Plan B is this: I’ll go to a place of ill-repute (probably my grandkids will know some) and score a whole lot of hard drugs.  Then I will go on a massive bender.  Come to think of it, I’m kind of looking forward to my 90s….


  1. I laughed so hard at the photo! You are too funny. My mom is 78…and just now starting to show some slippage upstairs…it scares me…I don’t want her to forget me…heavy sigh..I love the part in your post where you say you love the sun on your back and mud on your feet – I love those things, too.

  2. Interesting plan.
    Shouldn’t you go and research the various recreational pharmaceuticals while you can still take notes?
    It’s just research I tell you, just research! 😉

    And I have no idea how I’ll handle it when the time comes for my folks/wife/me.
    Possibly something involving a motorcycle and a cliff…

    1. Nah, I want my mind to stay intact for as long as possible, and I like to enjoy the world the way it is! I’ll use other people as guinea pigs and take notes from watching THEM instead. I like the idea of the motorcycle and the cliff by the way – scary, but fun. Get someone to film you doing it, it will be better than Evil Kaneevle.

  3. Loved that picture! Laughed at the images of you on your daughter’s farm. Great exit strategy btw. 🙂

    1. No, I kinda like death. Not the actual thing, just thinking about it. It’s a very interesting concept. It’s sad that my mum is not doing well though. I love her very much – I just have trouble projecting feelings into the future, I really don’t have much sense of it – so am not as sad now as I will be one day.

  4. Love the thought of aging person sitting in a corner with the grandkids as the assistant drug pushers… Only someone living in Rosetopia could think of that concept (although I think opting for being senseless is better than having no choice i.e. Alzheimers). I could see you on Miss M’s farm rolling with the pigs, enjoying all the mud, rolling in it… perhaps I should stop here 🙂

    Capt. Savage
    (best thing about most people are the things you haven’t found out about them yet)

  5. I like how your posts can be funny and sad at the same time. It’s true though…at that age there is not much left to lose, I always found the elderly people I care for much more fun than the younger!

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