Australia is crappy dump. It’s official.

So I’m sitting with Ms M in the car on the way to school, and she’s looking round in disgust at the sparkling gums, warbling magpies and bright blue autumn sky, as teenagers do.

“God Australia’s a dump! EVERYWHERE has better scenery than we do!”

Me: What about Eyre’s Rock?

Ms M: Yeah right. It’s just a rock. I’d rather live near the Grand Canyon!

Me: The Three Sisters? The Great Ocean Road? Kata Tjuta?

Ms M: They’re alright I guess but not like, well, the alps in Switzerland or anything.  Nah, just face it mum, Australia’s got CRAPPY scenery.

At this point I come over all patriotic.

Australia’s the BEST country in the world. I’ve been everywhere, man (it’s a song, here) and nowhere’s as good as it is here.  Peaceful, rich, democratic, normal decent people, great beaches….I’m telling you, this is the BEST!

Ms M looks doubtful.

What about England?

Me: Horribly violent.  You can’t catch a bus there nowadays without getting bashed up by randoms.

Ireland?

Me: Economy’s shot. Unemployment 50%.  You wouldn’t want to live there.

America?

Me: Full of mad people with guns.  Shoot you as soon as look at you. People going postal on every corner.

Canada?

Me: Even MORE guns. If possible. And grizzlies.

China?

Me: Fine but if you breathe the air in most places you fall down dead.  Course it takes a few years.. but then!

NEW ZEALAND! There’s nothing wrong with New Zealand. It’s beautiful, peaceful..what more could you want? (we’ve been to NZ, so Ms M knows it doesn’t look half bad)

Me: Earthquakes. You wouldn’t want to live there. Plus people in New Zealand have feet like elephants.

“Muum,” says Ms M at last, “you sound like some mother chicken in a Disney film, you know ‘Don’t go outside the nest, it’s not safe, you just stay here and don’t you worry about that flying business..”

Exactly! And now, I’ve managed to offend EVERYONE!

Disclaimer: due to mental health concerns, all teenagers in the Rosaceous household have been inoculated against maternally induced psychoses with regular injections of weird humour, and merely laugh at conversations which could cause serious infections in unprotected young people.

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28 comments

  1. Ha Ha, don’t know which one of you is the most infectious in the laughter stakes, you are Miss M. But having now driven a considerable distance through Australia today, and with more to come tomorrow, I have to agree with Miss M… Enough is enough, after you have seen your 100th gum tree the novelty wears off, or maybe thats just because I drove 800kms today… More commentary on my adventures for today can be found on my blog (shameless self promotion there Rose)

    Capt.Savage
    (Made quite an impress on a lot of bugs today with his windscreen)

  2. Hilarious. Some things never change especially know-it-all-bored-to-death teenagers. Oh well, what goes around, comes around. I said that to my daughter when she was a teen and now she’s got two little girls. Payback’s coming.

    • Hey Melis! Not as beautiful as an Iamnotshe with uneven bangs! Btw haven’t forgottent he award, it’s just that my internet’s running very slow at the moment due to Ms M’s movie downloads last week when she was sick off school!

  3. Funny !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m restricted to my iPhone whilst traveling through the gun-ridden Midwest!!!! Not been shot at yet…. Oh the scenery…flat, dry, pigs, cows & corn xo Melis

  4. I laughed all the way to the end, and found that Ms. M final words seemed to be a correct assessment. There are more than 200 countries in the world. Do you have a perfect answer for all of them? Personally I haven’t been to Australia yet, so I can’t sign up for it being the best country on the world. But if everybody says so about his or her country, we are all doing fine.

    • Thanks for stopping by, Munchow! Yes, M was right (I was just kidding, though, other places are really not that bad). I just get fed up with her carping! And yeah, let’s hope everybody loves where they are, since most of us are stuck there!

  5. Laughed so much at the England one because in some areas this is certainly true! And the NZ one…Earthquakes and elephant feet haha, perhaps the earthquakes are caused by their elephant feet stomping around?

      • Come to think of it I’ve never met a person from NZ in England, we have plenty of every other nationality though I think.

        You’ve made me miss NZ despite the feet and earthquakes, haven’t been there for 7 years

  6. I hope to visit Australia AND New Zealand one day. My close friend, the one I call Eloise in my stories, went to NZ for a study abroad and just kept telling me about it, of course, I kept asking.

    • Actually it is very beautiful here and in NZ, Ms M is wrong. But it’s not a European style of beauty – more big and dry and more trees than you can take in. NZ is greener and sometimes more spectacular – there are amazing sights in both countries and we truly do have the best beaches I’ve ever seen, and I have been around the world. So hope you do come!

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