Right, you little F**ers!

When I was a kid – say, from about five (kindergarten) to around 16 – other kids used to point and say rude things (just hang on a sec while I break out the violins).

Anyway, when I was 5, these two little girls – one of them was called Wendy, I think – came up to me as I sat in the playground moodily munching fairybread, and said ‘We want you to come with us, we’ve got something to show you.”

So, having nowhere else particularly to be, I innocently got up and followed her down to the end of the playground, where a row of little girls sat waiting to begin their carefully rehearsed performance.  When I got there, they all began to sing, like a row of budgerigars,

We hate Rose Y, we hate Rose Y

and so on and so forth, the lyrics were fairly simple – till I turned my back and marched back up the playground, wondering what I’d done to deserve all the attention. At least, that’s the way I remember it.

When I told this story to Ms M one day, she said she wished SHE’d been at my infant school, so she could have told them a thing or two (or punched them out).  Thank you very much, kind Ms M!

Still, it got me thinking, if you were to go back into some situation like that, knowing what you know now, what witty put downs would you whip out to suit the occasion? Like, say:

Great, well actually I don’t like you much either you obnoxious little brats and by the way, say cheese, you’re going to be viral on YouTube by this time tomorrow morning!

Alright, granted, not THAT witty. Anyway I couldn’t have said that cause they didn’t HAVE YouTube, let alone mobiles to record stuff on.  But really – what do you WISH you’d said, if only you’d thought of it?



  1. oh wow, there are so many things i’d do differently! i had some really toxic friendships when i was younger. i think i wouldn’t say anything but rather end those relationships and not spend years with people who constantly put me down.

  2. Man… I wish I could go back. All the little girls that were mean to me.. To be able to tell them where they would end up in 20 years. How crack whore and trailer trash are two NICE phrases to describe their situations. Oh, and while you were busy HATING me, your boyfriend… He grew up to love the hell outta lil ol me.

    Xoxo C D

    1. Oh yeah! Well from my research so far I believe most of the dear little girls in my class ended up as bank tellers and country housewives. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but – yeah ok I’m gloating! Die, motherf**ers! (just kidding, really, sorry have just watched Office Space)

  3. Oh you betcha. I’ve got a few bitch-slaps lined up for a few gossipy girls. Hey, and sorry about those numb-nuts. I’m sure they’re still nasty and miserable. So there !! 🙂

  4. That was so incredibly mean. That kind of bullying is absolutely unacceptable. Though my one liner would probably be “Oh good, then it’s mutual.”

      1. Thanks. I found I can come up with great retorts after the fact, which led me to writing. I’m better on paper than in person. ;P

  5. I think witticism is hard to come by at 5. And even when it comes, it is wasted on an audience of peers (especially such bratty, apparently thick little peers). In such cases, I was more a fan of cold served revenge. Actually, come to think of it, I still am.

    1. That’s interesting. I’ve never done revenge (in this case, couldn’t, as I don’t know any of my former schoolmates). Somehow I can’t be bothered. But I’m very interested in those that can. As you say, wit is wasted on five year olds!

      1. Oh not some carefully crafted revenge…just a promise to myself that if I ever have a chance to make that person’s life a little more difficult without hurting anyone else, I may take it.

      2. But would you really? I’ve thought about making other people’s lives more difficult – say just because I don’t like them – but in the end I just don’t really want to. HAVE you ever? Well, I will drop by your page and see, I guess!

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