On a long car journey recently, I entertained (not sure if that’s what he’d call it) my companion by describing the rules of Rose-Land (the not-very-benevolent dictatorship I’m soon going to unleash on a decadent West). In Rose-Land, there would be an Inquisition designed to root out people who hold new age beliefs and convince them of the error of their ways. Because I HATE people who go round looking ineffable and believe in crystals and feng shui.
Also, people who wear high heels for more than three hours a week will have them glued to their feet permanently. Citizens would be encouraged to send in photos of their friends and work colleagues committing style crimes (eg involving muffin tops, mini-skirts over tree trunk legs, or navy print dresses) OR wearing too much makeup. If I agreed (or if I had just had unsatisfactory sex), buckets of paint would be poured on them in a public place. I’d be immune to prosecution myself, naturally.
Anyone reported as being rude to anyone else would have their taxes increased by 20% for each episode, you would have to get an (expensive) license to whinge, and state support of any kind would be withdrawn from stupid people (such as smokers, dopeheads, drug addicts, pisspots and any member of an organised or disorganised religion).
The important thing will be that rewards and punishments will be random and totally subjective, so for instance if someone paints their house bright orange and I like it they may get a lifetime supply of chocolate, whereas if they repaint in beige they MAY be put up against a (neutral-hued) wall and shot – UNLESS I happen to be in a good mood that day, in which case they will just have to repaint the relevant surfaces in their own blood.
My friend said this was a bit rough and that HIS dictatorship would be tolerant and loving (with the death penalty only for philanderers and his boss). BORING! The talented M, on the other hand (my 14 year old daughter) said hers would have a Bridge of Doom. People would have to answer a list of questions before being allowed to cross. If they got any wrong – for instance,
- ‘Do you post pictures of yourself making stupid faces on YouTube so as to look sexy/cool?’ (yes) or
- ‘Do you emit an ear-shattering scream when an ant crawls up your leg in the presence of a boy, so as to impress him with your delicate femininity’ (yes) OR
- ‘Do you wait a regulation 30 seconds before replying to a message on Facebook so as not to look desperate?’ (yes) –
they’d be tossed into a bottomless chasm full of vipers and farts. I like that approach.