I’ve made a few basic new year’s resolutions this year, and one of them involves starting my own religion, like Fred (was he called that?) Mormon and that guy who thought up Scientology (and Mohammed and Jesus, for that matter, at the more successful end of the scale).
It’s not that I want power, fleets of rolls royces, or gaggles of men who will do my sexual bidding for nothing more than a passing hail mary. What I want is for everyone to be sensible and do pretty much what I tell them – the world will obviously then be a much better place for all concerned.
So, I’m not going to set out endless lists of prohibitions and injunctions, which my successors will have to update (like ‘The Holy Rose didn’t mean ‘thou shalt not suffer a witch to live’, what she meant was ‘thou shalt not suffer a witch to live NEXT DOOR’). I’m going to go more the Jesus route and lay down some general principles, which my followers can interpret and argue about as they see fit.
Another thing – I’m going to make sure everybody understands what I’m telling them. None of this parable stuff ‘What do you think he MEANT by the eye of the needle?” ‘Were those really melon breasted virgins or just juicy grapes?’ – or complicated holy jargon ‘And the Buddha saith, he who embraces the Fivefold Path of Wisdom may at length enter the Peace of the Seventh Circle of Ineffability..’. MY commandments are going to go something like this:
- Don’t do nasty stuff. Unless you have a really good reason to.
- Cruelty is abhorrent to the Holy Rose. You know what I mean. Don’t do it.
- Thou mayst fuck around as much as thou feelst like, but not on the sly.
- Love the Truth above all other things. If there’s no reason to believe something, don’t (except if the Holy Rose told you to, naturally). Those who heed not the evidence will go to hell (for which there is no evidence). The Holy Rose abhors a liar, even and perhaps especially one who’s been elected to parliament.
- Just Chill. When you’re thinking about complaining about the neighbours dog (especially the yappy dogs belonging to the Holy Rose) or hauling someone over the carpet at work, or writing a letter to the council, think to yourself, is this me? How about having a cup of tea instead.