Burglary – just another way of showing your appreciation

Tags

gratitude, humor, humour, old age, old people, philosophy, Thoughts, welfare

H was a quirky, sharp-tempered old woman that I used to go see more or less weekly in her nursing home.

She was one of the most wretched old people I think I’ve ever met.  She disliked most of her fellow inmates, rarely allowed herself to be wheeled out of her room, struggled against suffocation many times each day, endured constant pain, and was unbearably lonely.

Oh, and she didn’t even like chocolate.

However, one day I came into her room and H was in a cheery mood, almost smug, in fact.

“I’ve been taking care of that woman across the hall,” H told me, smiling. “She’s not quite right in her head, and she’s been crying all the time.  So I just sat by her and held her hand, and that seemed to calm the poor thing down.”

Well, she said something like that. I’m not going to try to reproduce H’s broken Finnish English.

For that hour, H was almost full of herself.  She was pleased to have found someone more miserable than her, and more than that – she was happy to finally have a Role.  In a nursing home, they’re the Carers, you’re the Cared For.  Their reason to be there is you.  Your reason to be there is…is….

It made me think how destructive it can be, to be the Helped.  If you help someone, they need you, you’re needed, you’re someone.  If they help you, without recompense, all you are is grateful.  We shouldn’t be too surprised when the eternally grateful go and burgle houses, just to feel a little better about their place in life.

(and here is a little story for dessert – http://livinginfairyland.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/why-the-great-wall-of-china-is-made-of-rice/)

The Karmic Challenge: Week 32, courtesy of Who Weekly

Tags

good deeds, humor, humour, karma, karmic, karmic challenge, kids, old people, veganism, vegans

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage).  A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice.  Or maybe frightening (which could also be fun).

ANYWAY…

The scene: an upmarket hotel, similar to the one presided over by The Hook and his Book…..A glamorous figure swathed in fake furs emerges onto its marble portico.  Bulbs flash (what are bulbs?), cameras whirr, a huge posse of paparazzi in black leather jackets and inappropriately tight jeans surges forward…

Rose! Rose! Abe Lincoln from the New York Times! Where do you get your hair cut??

Rose: I don’t get it cut, I can’t be bothered, darling! Next?

Rose! Barack Obama, Who Weekly – tell us about your steamy love life!!

Rose: Sweetie, ever heard of the Vagina Monologues? Well..it could be dialogues if you play your cards right..

Gail Beggie, Guardian – um, Rose, got any new karma for us this week?

Rose: I’ve never heard such a DUMB ass question in all my – what did you say? Oh, karma, sure.  Well (adjusts cleavage to best advantage, smoothes luscious chestnut waves)..

I went to see elderly Mr L on his birthday, and gave him a calendar with Australian birds on it. Mr L loves all animals (just like me!) and was quite pleased. It struck me how easy it is (would be) for amoral people to take advantage of kindly senior citizens – Mr L’s already bought Christmas presents for all his favourite staff members (Australiana mugs) and offered to buy ME a television.  Lucky I’m so damn saintly (or at least, reasonably decent).  I said no thanks, just in case anyone’s wondering.

Then I took Beetle out for a walk with the dogs and a swing. I’m starting to think having grandchildren wouldn’t be as bad as I thought – an hour with Beetle, oohing and aahing at her swinging ability and answering her little questions (‘But why does your dog look so funny when it comes out of the water? But why do people like golf (god knows!)? And why don’t you buy a golf course of your own? (I would, if it meant I could kick golfers off it).

Backyard. Lovely but infested by golfers!

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Oh, and I tried to go vegan. Hey, I really tried! (and I’m still trying – in maternal solidarity with all those dairy cow mums who get slaughtered when their milk starts to run out). Now I’ve got a fridge full of pretend cheese and almond milk, I’m starting to feel slightly more sympathetic to meat addicts.  I still don’t like watery stuff in my coffee, so…but I’m getting there!

I’ll leave it up to Captain Savage to allocate the points, as he is completely impartial (and in the thrall of my evil powers).

If anyone out there IS a vegan…what do vegans eat that’s nice?

The Karmic Challenge: Week 27 – Wear a Low Cut Dress for Jesus!

Tags

good deeds, humor, humour, karma, karmic challenge, kids friend, live export, old people, sheep

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage – come on, that’s a hint, CS).  A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice.  But please, please, Whoever Up There, not a sheep in Australia?

I’ve been getting the feeling for some time that elderly Mr L has been disappointed in me.  I guess there wasn’t a spot on the Red Cross Visitor Order form for ‘pretty young thing with big tits and a short skirt who watches footy’.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Well today, he was disappointed no more! For it is summer in Oz, and the weekend, and I was wearing a low cut yellow sleeveless top, and even though I say it myself as shouldn’t, I have REALLY BIG BOOBS! I could see Mr L was pretty impressed, to the point where he unnecessarily patted my hair, rubbed my upper arm, and feasted his eyes with a satisfied smile on my cleavage.  At last, clearly overcome with gratitude, he remarked,

‘You’re such a nice person, dearie…..let me show you something!’

Quaking in my shoes, I followed his doddery steps, to be confronted by….

a brand new shaver that he’d bought only a few weeks ago (and, as old people will, had already told me about three times).

‘Well!’ I said, looking suitably awed, ‘You’ll be pretty smooth from now on then!’.

Points, anyone?

Which brings me to the real reason I rashly went to see Mr L in my low cut top.  Ms M and me had just been to a rally on the lawns of Parliament House to Ban Live Export (you may have seen the recent coverage of Australian sheep sent to Pakistan to be clubbed to death and buried alive).  Standing there listening to speeches in the rain, I started to feel all teary and hot.  I think emotion spreads like flu – it hangs in the air and we all start to sneeze.

‘Tell the major parties that you won’t vote for any party that supports live export!’ exhorted the nice man from the newly formed Animal Justice Party.  Ok, I won’t.  Does that mean I have to vote for the Greens?  I hope not, cause I don’t like them that much…

Gucci discussing animal welfare with a fellow activist

Finally, I think I’ve just been allocated a kid as part of the Kid’s Friends program (you may remember I applied about, oh, a century ago?).  She likes painting, drawing, swimming and animals, and has an annoying elder sibling (Ms M should take to her straight away then).  I’m thinking maybe we can paint together – I found my paints and brushes the other day, and it’s been a long time!  In fact – I’m looking forward to it!

The Karmic Challenge, Week 22: Rose has a lovely personality, apparently!

Tags

good deeds, great personality, humor, humour, karma, karmic challenge, old people, unattractive

Oh yeah, alRIGHT!

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THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage).  A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice.  On second thoughts, no – make that something PRETTY!

Four months to Christmas…and I’m nearly at the Holy Grail of 500 points (466!).  This mostly because Captain Savage has loaded me up with points I don’t deserve, so, well, maybe now is the time to tell him to take some off.  Did you know, CS, that I once said to a woman with 7 kids (ring any bells?) whose husband had just left her for another woman, ‘So, you actually mind, then? That’s strange, I only wish my husband would run off with another woman!‘  MINUS a million points (but it was when I lived on the dark side).  ‘Yes no doubt’, said she ‘but I WANTED mine.’ Well said.  Go and stick your head down a toilet, Rose.

Elderly Mr L is just back from hospital, where he went because he had a heart attack.  Apparently buoyed by thoughts of unexpected longevity, he told me today that I should probably cut my hair.

Why’s that?

(Slightly awkward pause, Mr L looks shifty) Oh well, I just thought..short hair might suit your features better.

But I LIKE my long hair!

Yes…well, you just do as you like, dearie.  You know…you’re a very NICE girl.

Ok, I can take a hint. Mr L’s trying to say he thinks I’m good but plain.  Later – perhaps to make up for the insult – he asks for a peck on the cheek.

Absolutely not!

(no not really, of course I did. If only just to give the guy another heart attack)

In other news, my paperwork for my application to become a Barnardos Kids Friend has finally been approved (yes, Interpol and the Afghan Police Department have both said I’m in the clear).  AND I pulled this woman’s trolley down a dead escalator.  Yes, I ran her over in the process and spilled all her groceries, bought with her last $50 from selling her own teeth in the marketplace, but whatever, I meant well! (no, that was a lie. Not all of it. Which bits, you can decide).

The Oldest Drug Fiend!

Tags

ageing, drugs, humour, old age, old people

My best friend Captain Savage writes about the difficulties of getting old and his mum’s Alzheimers.  I reckon I’ve been thinking about getting old ever since I was, what, twenty? It never hurts to plan!

My vision is that I’ll have a little flat on my daughter’s country estate.  On this estate, there will be all manner of cuddly animals, and I’ll sit on my rocking chair on the verandah patting the goats and dogs and cats and guinea pigs and sheep and…you get the picture, and sipping lemonade.

If I do go dotty (and I already am, a bit) it won’t matter too much, cause I’ve always enjoyed brainless pleasures like the sun on my back and mud on my feet and looking at grass and birds and ants and flowers and eating chocolate. I probably won’t get too worried about who I am and where home is and who is that strange woman with the small children hanging around, because I live in the moment now and I probably will when I’m old too.

On the other hand..my mum is 91 and not having the best of times.  Life is boring and painful, and she misses my dad, who died a decade ago. She’s still got plenty of marbles but not her sight or hearing and she can’t go for a walk because of arthritis (and recently it’s got even worse than that – but I won’t go into that now).

Every time I visit her she says she’d rather be dead (she’s a pretty cheerful would-be suicide, mind you).  Taking note of all this, I asked a nurse friend the other day HOW one could off oneself, if the need arose – and filed the answer away just in case I ever need it (for me, obviously, not for mum).

Plan B is this: I’ll go to a place of ill-repute (probably my grandkids will know some) and score a whole lot of hard drugs.  Then I will go on a massive bender.  Come to think of it, I’m kind of looking forward to my 90s….