Croatia, I love you!

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We talk of God and Poetry.  Then I have to change trains.

Previous experience of Croatia: men with Cheekbones and unattractive accents who for some reason feel impelled to punch out Serbians at football matches in Melbourne.

But that’s all behind me now.  On the train from Slovenia to Split in Croatia,  I meet a dreamy young poet (who runs a boarding house for tourists – even poets have got to live!).  He says I look like a woman who believes in miracles.  I say that’s funny, because I don’t (believe in them, that is).

If I’d played my cards right (ie, got off the train early) I’m pretty sure I would’ve been in for a night of passion and romance in Belgrade ….

Anyway.

Split is a gorgeous, white-marbled town with a grand seaside esplanade, Roman facades, steep cobbled streets and a ‘white Russian resort town’ feel.

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Of course, when I got there it was pouring, and looked more like an upmarket bathroom.  Here is Diocletian, just padding out from the ensuite.

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I would’ve liked to stay there longer, but I was only there for two hours – the time it took to wait for the ferry to Korcula, pronounced Korchula, an island in the Adriatic halfway between Split and Dubrovnik.

Here is the ferry.  It is very CHEAP, as you can see.  Buy one. Buy two!  What the hell, buy the whole line!

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Goodbye, Split!  Now that I’ve left, the sun’s shining.

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The ferry, for some reason, deposits people at the boring end of Korcula, so everybody hops on a bus to the main city of the island.  Even in autumn, the British islanders are out in force, all socks and sandals, long shorts, floppy hats and butch haircuts – no wonder the French (are said to) roll their eyes at the idea of British fashion (of course, if they lived across a narrow channel from Australian fashionistas, they’d probably all go kill themselves).

But Korcula town is just..ummph!

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It’s sort of built like a sloppy wedding cake, with the glittering blue sea sloshing gently against stone walls on three sides, and then tiers of ancient stone houses, battlements and towers spiralling up towards a jumble of mediaeval icing at the top.  They SAY Marco Polo was born here.  It makes a good story.  Personally, I don’t believe it.

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Can you see America from here?

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In my little guesthouse, I have a whole room and balcony to myself, which is bliss after sharing with millions of noisy backpackers for weeks.  In the garden, there are two little tortoises making sweet, sweet love, squeaking and sighing their little hearts out.  If there’s anything more romantic than tortoises making out in a vege patch, I’ve yet to find it.

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Expecting a picture, were you?  Don’t be crass!

A couple of days later, on my last evening, I’m sitting on my balcony gazing contentedly seawards when I hear ‘Rose!  Rose!’.

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I can hardly believe my ears.  It’s my American friend from Slovenia (an excitable San Franciscan, and the only woman I’ve ever met who has less sense of direction than I do) come to look for me, with two overweight sweaty Croatian artists in tow.

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Unfortunately I couldn’t get the gun into position fast enough.  So we go off to their bachelor pad and she tries to persuade them to publish ‘our’ book series – romances for the twenty-something tourist market, about vampires in Venice and so on.  Eventually one of them explains that he isn’t exactly a publisher, more of a printer of sturdy Croatian text books.  No nooky for YOU then!

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In Korcula you can hire a boat and go out exploring the islands that cluster thickly round about in the wine dark sea.  It sounds like a really good idea – which is why I’m going back this year, with Ms M, to do just that.  My American friend says she will be there.  Maybe we can think of a better use for scantily-dressed Croatian males, this time.

Any suggestions?

Bad news equals no news

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On the way home I was listening to the radio about a movement in South Africa called the Brass Bands movement, which picks up kids at risk of getting into trouble and encourages them to produce awful music instead.

Just kidding.

But it made me think about what happens when we hear a ‘good news story’ about people helping one another towards a kinder society.

What happens to me is this. I think,  maybe we humans aren’t that bad after all! Maybe there’s hope for us!  Maybe this isn’t such a awful place to be, this earth.

And then I hear, or see, or read, something terrible – about the torture victims of Iraqi and Iranian prisons, for example, or the little kids killed at the behest of witch doctors in Africa, or the UN refusing to take responsibility for bringing cholera to Haiti, or some guy who diddled pensioners out of their life savings and is still sitting pretty in the Gold Coast mansion bought (in his kids’ names) off the proceeds.  And I think, no, this world is an evil place, and it would be better if humans were wiped off the face of it, leaving cruelty to the other beasts who don’t KNOW what they’re doing.  At least so we assume.

It seems to me that reactions to hearing about bad stuff fall into categories, roughly like so.  You feel…

1. What’s the use? Why bother to bring grandma a deckchair and a nice magazine, we’re all sinking anyway.

2. It’s ok to be rotten.  Everybody’s rotten.  It’s a great big party of rotten, a bit like the maggots crawling all over one another in my compost bin.  Rejoice and be bad, it’s only human!

3. Other people are scary.  We live in a world of monsters, where stepping outside the door is an act of foolish bravado.  Lock up your wives, your kids, your dogs, your flatscreen.  It’s raining shit out there.

4. If you can’t live in hell, fly to heaven.  Pop a pill, snort a line, buy your own island or just use a rope.

News is what it is.  Entertainment..entertains.  Conflict, cruelty and suffering are more interesting than agreement and hobbit-like home comforts.  Still, what we consume by way of mass media has a way of becoming us.

Whaddya reckon?  (and just to cheer you up, here is a story about the world’s least enticing invitation to snog)

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Burglary – just another way of showing your appreciation

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H was a quirky, sharp-tempered old woman that I used to go see more or less weekly in her nursing home.

She was one of the most wretched old people I think I’ve ever met.  She disliked most of her fellow inmates, rarely allowed herself to be wheeled out of her room, struggled against suffocation many times each day, endured constant pain, and was unbearably lonely.

Oh, and she didn’t even like chocolate.

However, one day I came into her room and H was in a cheery mood, almost smug, in fact.

“I’ve been taking care of that woman across the hall,” H told me, smiling. “She’s not quite right in her head, and she’s been crying all the time.  So I just sat by her and held her hand, and that seemed to calm the poor thing down.”

Well, she said something like that. I’m not going to try to reproduce H’s broken Finnish English.

For that hour, H was almost full of herself.  She was pleased to have found someone more miserable than her, and more than that – she was happy to finally have a Role.  In a nursing home, they’re the Carers, you’re the Cared For.  Their reason to be there is you.  Your reason to be there is…is….

It made me think how destructive it can be, to be the Helped.  If you help someone, they need you, you’re needed, you’re someone.  If they help you, without recompense, all you are is grateful.  We shouldn’t be too surprised when the eternally grateful go and burgle houses, just to feel a little better about their place in life.

(and here is a little story for dessert – http://livinginfairyland.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/why-the-great-wall-of-china-is-made-of-rice/)

Don’t look now – it’s Westboro Baptist Church. Again!

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It always happens at big family occasions.  That attention seeking kid, tugging on people’s dresses, staging endless demonstrations of its new dance routine or electrocution toy, having tantrums when the presents are being handed out, throwing food at the table and then screeching fit to bring the house down when somebody drags it off to the naughty corner.

What do we do? Well if we’re incompetent parents (and most of us are at times) we watch that routine and clap at the end, we let it have dessert before dinner, we rush to comfort it or punish it or at any rate shut the damn thing up before our ears burst.  We PAY ATTENTION.

But every parenting (and animal handling) manual says that what we should really do is praise good behaviour and refuse to notice bad behaviour. Every time Russell Brand or Louis Theroux or Fox News interview the WBC, they’re feeding them.  So why not give WBC a media blackout for (next) Christmas and a happy New Year.  Turn our collective backs.  Let them howl and screech, and good luck to them.  If they turn up at funerals, quietly escort them to a safe distance and leave them there.

The best thing that could possibly happen to these people is when we all say “Westboro Baptist Church? Who the fuck are they? Oh, forget it, let’s watch another Two and a Half Men re-run instead!”

hey i stooole ur computer

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Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response…

According to Wikipedia is a “neologism for a claimed biological phenomenon, characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation often felt in the head, scalp or peripheral regions of the body in response to various visual, auditory, olfactory and cognitive stimuli.”

Mr F, when he’s relaxing at the computer or doing his university homework or whatever, listens to stuff through his headphones. Not unusual.  Except that what he’s listening to, turns out to be the sound of people having their hair cut (snip, snip, ssscrip, flfff, snip).

Sometimes he watches a favourite video.  Say, someone assembling a model aeroplane.  Sticking together each tiny strut.  Applying the wood glue.  Attaching the tail and wings.  Painting the wing tips.  Very intense, very focused.

He always did like having his hair stroked and his toes massaged.  As it happens, my dad liked the same thing (well, the hair bit).  Every now and again he’d say ‘Comb my hair will you’ and hand me this yellowed old plastic comb.  And I’d sit behind him and pull the comb through thin grey curls, more pink scalp than hair really, and he’d sit there with a silly grin on his face, enjoying every second of it.

Funny.

Oh and I did steal ur computer, Mr F.  It used to be my computer, till you came to stay for a while, and now I have to get up at 8 o’clock just to sneak a post in.  But that’s ok, we luvs yer.

The Blurb

Do you want to go Deeper?

Deeper

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Deeper is a story about love, betrayal and the burning of bridges.  Loosely based on Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid, it follows Yllve, a mer woman, who becomes fascinated with the idea of humanity.

Yllve lives in an isolated pod in the tropics, a group much like a remote and primitive tribe.  Mer life is violent, patriarchal and bounded by the confines of the remote reefs and sandbanks where they live and hunt.  Alone among her sisters, Yllve is curious and restless, wanting a wider experience than the traditions of the pod allow.  Life with a human seems to open up myriad possibilities – until it all goes wrong. 

What do you do when you can’t go on, and there is no going back either?

What happens when you swim out of warm, familiar seas into a strange and alien ocean, a culture that isn’t yours? 

What happens when you go deeper..

Right.  So does my pitch have you hooked?  Supposing you were a publisher – would you yell out to your assistant Dogsbody, ‘Gloria, I think I’ve found Penguin’s answer to EL James!!’.  Would you lean across your oak-panelled escritoire and say something like ‘Advance this woman a couple of hundred thousand, will you Myra?’.  Are you burning with desire to publish my book?

OR alternatively, is it more a case of ‘put another log on the slush pile will you darling’?

Pissed off in Postojna

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Just suppose you’re in the most beautiful part of the world, in the kind of caves that call to mind words like ‘cathedral’ and ‘awe-inspiring’ and ‘wondrous beyond belief’.

To help you imagine, here are some pictures of the Postojna caves in Slovenia (not mine, my camera’s afraid of the dark, so I’ve linked the pics back to their original owners).

postojna caves 2postojna caves3

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Anyway, you’re standing there, overwhelmed by this majestic, ancient loveliness, lost in reverie – and then you hear a raucous squabbling noise, and you look over your shoulder, and there are a hundred or so stunted, chain-smoking, video-camera toting middle Europeans slapping their kids and hoiking up their trackpants.  And you get, well, annoyed.

Particularly since the elderly, elaborately painted woman on your right has been told about five times already that cameras damage the cave interior and that you’re not allowed to turn yours on.  ‘Stalinist bastard’ she probably mutters under her breath, as she waits for the guide to turn his back before whipping out the flash again.

Because these are not only the most beautiful caves I’ve ever seen, they’re also the most popular.  You get in via a sort of cattle rail system and then they put you on a mini-train, and then you get conducted in groups of around, well, like I said, somewhere between 100 and 500 moody disinterested teenagers and plump Italian matriarchs on a slow crawl around the whole place until you get spat out the exit, dazed, impressed and fuming in equal parts.

Nearby Predjama castle, on the other hand…maybe it was because I went there on a really rainy day, or maybe it was because you could only get there by catching a ride with a lubricious taxi driver (I’m Slvenko. I like you. Call me!) – but it was pretty much deserted.  And here it is (now my camera was feeling braver).

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The story goes that in the 15th century the castle was owned by a guy called Erazem Lueger. One day he was bailed up in it by the Governor of Trieste, who sat down in front with a heap of siege engines and wouldn’t let anybody out.  But instead of doing the decent thing and eating his serfs, Erazem instead kept chucking cherries at the besiegers.  Like, ha ha!  The reason being that the castle is built into a massive cave system, like everywhere in this area, and Erazem was sneaking out to the shops.  Anyway one day he was on the toilet, which for obvious reasons hung out a bit beyond the castle walls, and the Governor lobbed a cannonball at him and knocked him off his perch. And that was both the end of Erazem and of this informative blog post about Predjama Castle. Except for this picture from http://www.castles.nl/eur/sl/pj/pj.html , which is much better than mine.

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What’s stripey, farts in bed, and likes wine and roses?

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No it’s not an alcoholic zebra on Valentines Day.

It’s….. Missus Tribble!  Missus Tribble hosts..no, is Supreme Intergalactic Empress of – a blog called Wine and Roses from Outer Space. As far as I’m concerned, she’s what women should be. She’s a Role Model.  She writes about True Stuff.  What it’s like to have whiskers.  How it feels to have epilepsy and autism and still be a sexy beast.   Rex the world’s Oldest Dog.  I just like her attitude.  She is what she is, much like Jehovah, and she’s good with it.  Not bullet-proof – who is – but good.

Anyway, the reason we are celebrating Empress Tribble today is that last year she gave me the Blog of the Year Award for 2012.   It has taken me a while to accept it properly. That is evil. But…I’m sincerely sorry, extremely grateful and please put away that ray gun (actually, Missus Tribble is a gentle and forgiving dominatrix)

Hmm, so who shall I award, in their turn?

Well, Trailer Trash Deluxe.  Who I originally thought was a girl because I thought only mini-skirted blonde women with dark roots were trailer trash – not that anyone actually deserves that epithet. But now I know he’s a man – occasionally poetic, often grumpy (in a witty, Orson Welles-ey way), deliciously rumpled (well, that’s just my imagination, sorry) and with an awful lot up with which to put!  So here is a little present, TTD – enjoy!

Seb at Tarnation and Eudemonia.  Seb has restored my faith in poets.  Any time in the last twenty years, you could’ve heard me whinge ‘there are NO good poets around nowadays. They all write crap like ‘His curdled hair like cornflakes in the briny wind; and all is blood red when the telephone books are weeping’.  Not Seb. He should be poet laureate of the US. I love his stuff.  I’m surprised he doesn’t have women banging down his doors at night for a dose of that oh-so-manly-and-experienced but-weary richness. Maybe he does.

Holly at Hollyanne Gets Poetic (she really does get it, if anyone does).  I probably gave Holly an award before. If Seb is a sex-fiend with a voice of silver (kind of Orpheus on steroids) Holly is a goddess of poesy.  You know those little things that happen, like when you invite a guy home and he turns out to have smelly armpits..or when your mother says something mean about your waistline – Holly takes that sort of stuff and turns it into Handel’s Messiah.  She really is that good.  No, better.

Whiteladyinthehood.  She writes like Bill Bryson, only fitter (probably) and of a lot more use to humanity.  Some people are curdlingly nice – you just wish they’d swear or reveal a secret love of eating their own nose-pick.  Whitelady isn’t like that, she’s incredibly sweet and yet – you could eat a bowlful for dinner and still want her for dessert.  One of her most endearing qualities is the way she sees an annoying brat I mean kid, or an in-your-face angry git-lady, adds a dollop of humour (including the good kind), some what-the-hell-live-and-let-live, some ok-let’s-see-what-it’s-like-to-walk-in-your-shoes-ok-i-want-mine-back-now – and voila!  A happy little bastard or a bestest-work-friend!

Sally at Deliberately Delicious.  Sally treats romance the way it ought to be treated. Young girls should be directed to her site before they consider their first date (ie, at around six).  She’s a self-respecting, self-confident, likeable and lovely plus-40 (age, not size) – and she uses her MIND to organise her love life.  What!  Her mind? Are you out of your…oh ok.  Not only that but she’s awfully nice to the also-rans.  If you’ve ever wondered how to write a Dear John letter that sends him chortling to bed, try Sally.  Actually, Sally has wrought a real change in my approach to romance. After 35 years, I too have decided to be confident, selective and rational.  It can be done.  Sally’s done it.

WordPlay.  I bet Chris from Word Play is on the CIA hitlist.  Hell, I bet he shows up on Interpol.  With a description something like this: Sex-crazed, uxorious, his skin diving is glorious..oh no sorry that’s the British national anthem.  He has a Past. Involving like, nude meadow-frolicking.  Deep sea rescue, fair maidens only.  Pissing off Important People.  Maybe even Pissing on Important People (I kinda hope so).  I like Chris.  Everybody should like Chris.  Only they should tell him that there’s only so much scrolling a devotee can do before having to visit the physio.  Visit him and see.

Babedarla of Oh I Do Blather On Don’t I.  Babedarla is my friend. Even though I’ve never met her.  But one day I will, cause she sounds like just my swig of whisky.  The thing is, Babedarla is honest, and hopeful, and enthusiastic.  She knows how to whoop it up all night and how to carry off a faerie queane outfit with mediaeval swagger.  She has warmth and integrity.  Life is difficult at times – hard work and talent get stymied by what I think of as ‘second-and-a-half-world issues’ (and yet, who wouldn’t want to live in California).  Sometimes I think our Aussie pollies go on fact finding tours to the US to see how to conduct a really GOOD screwing over.  Anyway when Darla marries a sexy and reliable millionaire, nobody will be more pleased than me (except her, I guess).

And the award?  Here it is.  Rules abound below.  Enjoy!

Blog of the Year Award 1 star jpeg

Here are the ‘rules’ for this award (I copied these straight from the Empress):

1 Select the blog(s) you think deserve the ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award

2 Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen – there’s no minimum or maximum number of blogs required – and ‘present’ them with their award.

3 Please include a link back to this page ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award – http://thethoughtpalette.co.uk/our-awards/blog-of-the-year-2012-award/ and include these ‘rules’ in your post (please don’t alter the rules or the badges!)

4 Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ‘rules’ with them.

5 You can now also join our Facebook group – click ‘like’ on this page ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award Facebook group and then you can share your blog with an even wider audience.

6 As a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award – and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar … and start collecting stars…

Yes – that’s right – there are stars to collect!

Unlike other awards which you can only add to your blog once – this award is different!

When you begin you will receive the ‘1 star’ award – and every time you are given the award by another blog – you can add another star!

There are a total of 6 stars to collect.

Which means that you can check out your favourite blogs, and even if they have already been given the award by someone else, then you can still bestow it on them again and help them to reach the maximum 6 stars!

For more information check the FAQ on The Thought Palette.

Mermaid..

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mermaid

Picture borrowed from http://www.designzzz.com/featuring-katigatorxx-digital-art-and-photo-manipulations/

When I look back now, home seems like a story for pups playing in tide pools.  And yet, there are kinds and kinds of stories.  There’s the kind that you read to me once from a book your mother gave you when you were small, that begins ‘once upon a time’ and ends ‘and they lived..’.  Well, you know.   It’s the same kind that my mother used to murmur to us before bed time – fresh rain in the morning and fat silver fish with pearls for eyes, and sea-witches with the power to grant your heart’s desire, and mates handsome as – well, as you were, to me.

And the other kind.  Sunlit in the shallows, but dark below, the kind to keep young mer awake at night dreaming of the ugly sharp-toothed things that live far down in Deep Sea, or of the long nets of humans, and their sails of scraped mer-skin, drying in the wind.  Stories that begin well, with young mer girls combing out their bright hair on the rocks, and end in death and the crunching of old bones into sand on the sea shore.

But if any of those things were ever real, any of them, they’re lost now and exist only in my mind.  Like home.

This is the beginning of my newest novel.  It only gets worse from there.  I just finished the penultimate draft (that’s the draft you have to cover with red pen before it becomes anywhere near ultimate).  And I’m looking for a few willing volunteers to immerse themselves temporarily in this water-based fantasy-novel cum under-sea kitchen soap opera -based loosely on Hans Christian Andersen’s Little Mermaid – and tell me how I can make it better..any offers?

love

Rose at englishrose659@hotmail.com

How many times a day can a super-stud do what a super-stud does?

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I’m not ANSWERING this question, I’m asking it.  Hey, all you super-studs out there!  Some facts, please!

Mr F and me were discussing how many kids a man with access to as many women as required could possibly father in one lifetime.

“Well, on the basis that our man has sex on average over his lifetime once a day (remember he’s a superstud)..” I begin – when Mr F interrupts.

“ONCE! Six times, I’d say!”

“Six times a day for his entire life?? He won’t be able to make it that often when he’s sixty!”

“Why not?”

At this point I realise there are some truths which are not self-evident, at least to Mr F.  I explain.

“Oh.  Well, let’s say on average, four times a day then. Six when he’s young and two when he’s eighty or so.”

“Hang on, even a young guy can’t make it four times a day EVERY day.  He has to rest sometimes.  Four times is a bit of a marathon.”

“I think six times a day would be reasonable, if you were under forty,” says Mr F. I protest, laughing. “I could manage that!”

Oh could you now!  Well far be it from me to say anything, as the mum, but wanking six times a day is NOT the same as having sex six times a day.  Not that I’m going to go any further down that path.

So Mr F clearly has an inflated – well, that’s what I think, from my long experience of mankind – expectation of how much sex can be managed by the average male, young or old.  Or maybe it’s me who has a DEFLATED expectation of it.  Ms M, who for a time pretended to be a male gamer (see, those stories about deceitful internet buddies were all true!) says that wanking was the favourite topic of her fellow nerds, when not constructing virtual nuclear plants, and from that she got the impression that thirty times a day was nothing to write home about.

Come on, which is it? How super can a super stud get?

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